Aiming To Be Obsolete

Old Friends

2011-12-28T17:31:00.000-08:00

I went to go visit an old school friend last week. We haven't seen each other since graduation, but we've been keeping in touch via email for quite some time now. She has been rather ill, so it was finally time to admit I just had to make the trip to see her.

I packed up and went on a cold December morning.

Smartest thing I've done in a long time.

Neither one of us is 17 anymore. We have both had more than our fair share of bumps on the road of life. We both have struggled and yet, managed to enjoy life along the way.

I have to admit, there is something nerve-wracking about seeing someone you haven't seen in more than 2 decades. Despite all the email conversations the butterflies were in my stomach all along the drive.

I cranked up the radio and fought my way through the fog and idiot drivers. I had my destination set, my course clear and yet, those nerves were still rattling around inside of me and bouncing off the inside of the vehicle too.

Thanks to GoogleMaps, I knew the house I was looking for, even my GPS knew where to send me. But that last block, I took a turn. Went around it and down a few blocks to take a deep breath. I had everything planned. I had a little gift for my friend (my mother was Martha Stewart before Martha was), a few gifts for the pups too. I had my stuff all packed. I was dressed decently. But the nerves, they still jangled. It wasn't the cancer, or the meds, or even feeling old.

I finally decided to just head towards the sun, park, and move the jitters out.

Apparently, I needent have worried. One dog knew I was there before I even stepped foot outside the vehicle. Before I got around to the curb, my friend was standing on the porch, arms open, ready to make up for the years between our last in person talk. We smiled, we giggled, we hugged long enough to make up for all those years. I'm sure the nosy neighbor across the street was wagging her tongue. I don't care, neither does my friend, the crazy neighbor can yap all she wants. We had to hug, a lot! Right there on the front porch. Drove the dogs insane too!

The interesting part was that, despite the years, we just picked up, started talking like it was merely last week we were both standing in white dresses with those gawd-awful green fern/lily sneezy bouquets, waiting to walk across that stage to our futures.

I know neither one of us would have expected our lives to turn out as they have. We both had plans. As the saying goes "Make plans, listen to G-d laugh". But for both of us, I am sure we would both change some of how things have happened over the 2+ decades since that warm June day, there are so many things we would not change. If we changed too much, we might never have met up again, which would be tragic.

This is yet another reason why, when something happens not to my liking, or not to plan, I know that G-d has plans, we just don't always know what is in store for us. Sure, I'd rather be a bazillionaire, fixing the ills of the world, but then I suppose I wouldn't have thought to make the trek to see an old friend for a few days. Tragic indeed.

There is something to be said for real friends, who, after decades, can just pick right back up, after having learned a little along the way, and keep talking like no time had escaped in between.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

Three Years Ago This Month

2011-08-09T22:12:00.000-07:00

Three years ago, this month, I wrote about the death of a good man, Ben Goldman. I was angry that this gentle, vibrant man had been taken from our midst. Grief is never an easy thing and when someone is taken suddenly, it is so much harder to process than if you had time to say your last words.

I would be lying if the sting was not still very present. For the family. For me. For the community.

But time does heal some of the wounds. Watching the family recover and live their lives has been a blessing in this most difficult of paths.

This weekend we had the pleasure of seeing Ben's extended family all together again, this time for a very happy occasion. Ben and his wife's eldest came upon a rite of passage. A first real-life test of a family, very tested by the trials of life that no one should have to endure, to show up and be happy when grief is still so very fresh.

The tension was high and I have to admit, I knew tears would flow. So many of them were shed, however, this day there were with real smiles on everyone's face.

Music lilted around the room, as if Ben was there, touching everyone, reminding that everyone relax and let the day be joyous, despite that gaping hole in everyone's hearts.

The child, no longer a youngster, did an awesome job, reminding us of mistakes made, the power of forgiveness and incredible love surrounding us all. I could see a bit of each parent's DNA shining through as the morning progressed. No longer a little child, a growing, maturing being who has wonderful poise for what is still a young age, but very wise beyond years.

Ben's wife, also did an incredible job. She may not know it, but she showed that she is a strong woman who has survived. She has lead her children through the desert of grief and yet still lived life, despite the difficulties life threw at them three years ago. She sounded confident and so full of love for her children. Ben would have certainly been beaming, knowing they had cast their seeds of grief and arrived at this day so beautifully.

I am proud to have been there to see this joyous occasion for Ben's family. Seeing smiles, laughter, beautiful voices singing. All things Ben would have wanted. Proud of each person who participated. Proud of how positively alike this day was to the one three years ago and how much healing has occurred since then.

Nearing the end of the morning, Debbaie Friedman's "Those Who Sow" (Another of my favorite singers, Peri Smilow, sings this one) was part of the program. I still cannot sing that song without tears flowing heavily. This day, my tears had little to do with Ben's death and almost everything with Debbie's death, seven months ago to the day. Each time I hear the song, I'm there, at Debbie's funeral, Julie Silver leading us, listening, sensing, grieving being surrounded by others in immense grief and sobbing. The tears just flow like they did that day, seven months ago. A part of me could see Ben and Debbie singing together and that---that---was both joyous to think of and yet so hard to fathom that neither were actually in the room with us that morning. And yet, their spirits most definitely were.

"Those who sow, who sow in tears, will reap, will reap, in joy".

And so they have.

Dear 16 Year Old Me

2011-07-05T18:01:00.000-07:00

A hearty thanks to my friend T for pointing me at this video link. Take Kleenex folks. Trust me.

http://youtu.be/_4jgUcxMezM

Dear 16 year old me. Since the day you were born, your family told you that you have to check for moles.

Every month. Strip searched and everything.

They didn't tell you that your red hair and fair skin you were born with, that looks like no one else in the family you will ever get to know, is going to make you more than 50% more likely to be diagnosed with melanoma than any other person.

They did tell you that your uncle, whom you never met because he was only 16, when he died of melanoma. He had dark hair and dark eyes.

That your cousin, whom you hardly knew would die of melanoma when he was just 43. He died within 6 months of his diagnosis.

That that cousin's first daughter would also be diagnosed with melanoma when she was in her 30's. Note to the 16 year old me, you STILL can't trust her any more than when she and her sister held you down and kicked you in Ellen's yard---remember that!

That you too will be diagnosed with melanoma when you are in your 30's.

They didn't tell you to check for other bumps that look nothing like the pictures. You will learn, you are not normal, in any sense of the word.

Dear 16 year old me, you're going to hear the words "Malignant melanoma" at an age when you thought "everyone had their shit really together", until you get to that age and realize, no one ever really does. You've survived burying your mother, her father and both your grandmothers by this point. You put on your tough girl panties and pretend you're stronger than you feel.

It works.

Because unlike anyone else in your family, you are going to live. You will survive the cancer that took so many people your share DNA with. You will survive the chemotherapy designed to not only kill the cancer cells, but a lot of the cells you'd prefer stick around, like the ones to help you keep your lunch down, or ones that make salmon taste good. Or the ones that keep your other organs running well.

You will do all these things, without the support of your family of origin.

You will be strong, you will be scared, you will get REALLY pissed off at your mother for not being there for you.

You will yell at her memory that it was HER fucking genes that created this disease in your body and she could have at least had the decency to stick around and see you through it.

And you will cry because your mother lost her own battle with a different kind of cancer long before you were diagnosed.

You also realize that your mother would have been destroyed having to see you go through the same disease that killed her brother and first cousin.

Dear 16 year old me. You will also find humor in some of the mundane things that cancer brings, like barfing on a nurses shoes and blaming it on the chemo, but you know it was mostly because she's the bitchy nurse who wakes you JUST as you get to sleep, every, stinkin', time even though she could have let you sleep. You could have hit the barf bucket, but oh, why not make it interesting? Or that the hundreds of needle holes in your skin make a pattern that looks like Bart Simpson. Or that the bruising from your latest infusion is turning all sorts of pretty colors, which kind of takes your mind off the fact that the infusion really sucked big, fat, stinkin, month old rotten eggs.

Dear 16 year old me. This isn't what you signed up for, even though you were warned, but you've gotten through this portion of this battle and you're on to the next thing that pops up. You didn't spend time worshiping the sun. You hid, you slathered. You stood in the shade. It isn't fair, but it is your life. Melanoma came along anyway.

Tell anyone and everyone you know about melanoma and tanning beds and sunscreen and coverups.

Now.

Not later.

Don't avoid talking about melanoma because your best friend in high school was so dark she looked like a beautiful cup of coffee that only darkened more as the sun kissed her skin. Or that it isn't a "fun" subject.

Talk about it.

Far and wide, just like you learned to talk about people not smoking.

Talk until you are blue and talk some more. Because it matters.

Dear 16 year old me. One other piece of advice---buy real estate, no matter what your parents say, buy real estate. Lots of it, often, early and plenty of it. And Google when it goes IPO. I know you don't know what that is because you've never heard of the internet or email, but just trust me.

Don't get that perm in college--it won't save the time you think it will and well, no, it won't do anything but make you look like Lacy J Dalton. And not in a good way. Really.

Dear 16 year old me. Wear sunscreen anyway. It may not be cool, but you're going to find out just how cool you really are when you're older. Trust me.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

Little Good News...

2011-04-24T21:41:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for something to happen and was bored the other day. So I looked to my smartphone to entertain me until the wait with boredom ended. A friend had been in an accident and didn't have the money to deal with the damage to her car; another friend had someone break into her house---they didn't take anything but her feeling of security; yet another friend's daughter was in hospital. So I went to look at a news site to see if there were some other less depressing news. As the page loaded, I saw "murder, theft, fraud, bank robbery, bankruptcy and child molestation" as the head topics. I kept searching for something else, anything that might be more uplifting. Even the high school sports section talked about fraud, liars and backstabbing.

ARGH!

It reminded me of the old Anne Murray song "Little Good News". "...Just once how I'd like to see the headline say: Not much to print today, can't find nothin' bad to say...Nobody robbed a liquor store on the lower part of town, Nobody OD'ed, nobody burned a single buildin' down. Nobody fired a shot in anger, nobody had to die in vain. We sure could use a little good news today...".

I wish there could be good news as the headline. Apparently, good news doesn't sell. Bad news does. Which is why I tend to avoid the TV more often than not, except for entertainment.

I am not looking for sugar-coated, fake news, mind you, but how is it we wonder why the children we raise are adrenaline, give-it-to-me-now junkies?

As a cancer patient, I also wonder how that culture feeds into cancer cells multiplying---when all we are surrounded with is bad news!?

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

50 Questions....

2011-04-06T21:15:00.000-07:00

Missing Debbie, another hand surgery and now a major lung illness...posting a meme a friend sent yesterday.

50 Questions

1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?

not breathing sure takes its toll

2. How much cash do you have on you?

$327.00

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?

floor

4. Favorite position?

to quote Lea DeLaria---"put me back on my back where I belong" unless of course being on top is more fun.

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?

the drugstore, calling to remind me to refill Rx's, even though I've asked for email contact only.

6. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?

Fight On, for Old SC

7. What shirt are you wearing?

SC shirt Nane bought me

8. Do you label yourself?

Labels are for jars

9. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently wearing?

not wearing shoes at the moment, a rarity for me and my large feet.

10. Bright or Dark Room?

Darker than lighter, a hazard of having melanoma.

11. Where did you have the best sex of your life?

with my wife

12. What does your watch look like?

Depends on which one we're talking about.

13. What were you doing at midnight last night?

Asleep, trying not to cough

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell say?

"on my way home"

15. Where is your nearest 7-11?

no clue

16. What's a word that you say a lot?

Love

17. Who told you he/she loved you last?

Wife

18. Last furry thing you touched?

a cat who tolerated my presence because I was feeding him.

19. How many drugs have you done in the last three days?

my usual meds, plus antibiotics, cough syrup, zyrtec, nose spray

20. Are there any nude photos of you out there somewhere?

yup.

21. Best sport you excel at?

uh, pick one of the many, many, many that I played. Was offered a pro contract to play softball.

22. Your worst enemy?

Carbs

23. What is your current desktop picture?

various pix I've taken that rotate thru

24. What was the last thing you said to someone?

"what would you like to have for dinner sweetie?"

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to fly what would it be?

the money, I'm afraid of edges and flying without a plane, is one huuuuge edge.

26. Do you like someone?

Yes.

27. The last song you listened to?

"Apologize" Timbaland

28. What time of day were you born?

middle of the night...funny, I don't like being up then anymore!

29. What’s your favorite number?

30. Where did you live in 1982?

31. Whom were you sleeping with in 1987?

a guy named Steve and a gal named Carrie, not together, mind you, though he would have enjoyed it, she would have killed him

32. What were you driving in 1985?

most days? an early 70's orange Camaro

33. Where were you when 9/11 happened?

in bed

34. What do you do when vending machines steal your money?

curse, occasionally wiggle them, call the company if I can't get it to vend something.

35. Do you consider yourself kind?

I try to be.

36. If you had to get a tattoo, where would it be?

not into needles, you know, after all the needles during chemo and all.

37. If you could be fluent in any other language, what would it be?

Hebrew or Yiddish

38. Would you move for the person you loved?

Yes

39. Are you touchy feely?

Depends on the person, but usually, yes.

40. What’s your life motto?

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

41. Name three things that you have on you at all times?

Pen, handkerchief, medicID tags

42. Who was your favorite teacher?

I keep answering this one. Ran into her 2 months ago, Mrs Tassie Russell. Not sure she understands that she saved my life several times over, just by being her.

43. What was the last thing you paid for with cash?

lunch.

44. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?

a few months ago.

45. Can you change the oil on a car?

yup, my senior project in high school was all about that.

46. Your first love: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?

he's driving a truck, divorced, kid, tattoos, plays in a band.

47. How far back do you know about your ancestry?

we've gotten back to the 900's

48. The last time you dressed fancy, what did you wear and why did you dress fancy?

Debbie Friedman was in town, our shul had a fundraiser. Am SO glad we spent the time and money to hang out with Debbie.

49. Does anything hurt on your body right now?

lungs are somewhat wet right now, so my ribs hurt a lot right now from coughing.

50. Have you been burned by love?

Absolutely.

I have melanoma, it does not have me!

Swagger, Or Something Like It

2011-02-15T14:58:00.000-08:00

There is a certain way cancer patients go through life. It isn't really a swagger, no that wouldn't describe it correctly. Swagger suggests bravado/a that not every patient has. It is more like a knowledge that others don't have.

Cancer patients have all seen death. Touched it. Tasted it. Felt it rip through us. No matter our diagnosis be Stage IV or Stage 0 or something in between. There is a moment (sometimes, more than once) you can see death right in front of you, even in the easiest of treatments. We all expect it, at some point. Some of us shake hands with death and look it right in the eye, daring it to tempt us. Those who have walked in that valley of the shadow of death tend not to blink first.

But I have had numerous conversations with cancer patients that have had other things hit their lives that can be just as deadly as cancer. Just because we have been tagged by this dreaded word, this deadly disease, doesn't mean we are immune from other things in life. One friend talked about his knee problems, another about his shoulder and yet another about the hernia that gets exacerbated when he barfs during chemo. If we live long enough, something else pesters us beyond the cancer. But for most of us, cancer IS what rules our lives! Why worry about that trick knee when you've got bigger problems like CANCER? I might not live long enough to worry about walking while I'm 80, so who cares?

Which is why, when you sit in a doctor's office and the information you're being given is that perhaps cancer isn't the thing that is going to kill you afterall, sometimes you do blink. The slow realization that perhaps something else might be the fight you have to fight, can be daunting. The evil you know, you can handle. A new unknown can be tough to swallow.

Some turn to playing the cancer card---it isn't fair, I already have cancer to fight, why do I have to fight something else TOO? Some turn to denial---nah, can't be, except for this little thing called cancer, I'm fine. Some just ignore the evidence---cancer is my issue, I have nothing else, other than cancer, can't you see, that explains it all? And some just suggest you pile it on--oh go ahead, what else can you give me?

One friend was in NED status, but still acting like he was in full treatment. Eating what he wanted, using the cancer card to get out of working out when he didn't feel like it and generally living like there was no tomorrow. A doc took a routine blood test and sat him down about cholesterol and a host of other numbers that had NOTHING to do with cancer. As if he had been slapped, he sat there shocked. He could handle the lectures about his cancer. He was ready for those. But cholesterol and a slew of other numbers? What-the-hell?!?!

As if there had been a new diagnosis of a different cancer, he was dumbfounded. New terms, new numbers to watch, new things to worry about, new medications to take, with their own side effects. As if the rug had been pulled out from underneath his firm stance on solid ground. There is no swagger that can help you in that situation and living through cancer doesn't prepare you for all the other diseases life can throw at you. My friend crumpled into a sobbing ball of goo when he finally came out of the fog of this new reality, mostly, I think, because his tolerance for medical crap had hit his limit. While the words the doctor was sharing were not GOOD, he probably isn't going to die next week of these things. But a little bit of his sort of swagger was certainly wiped away.

The evil we know is easier than new evil to handle.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

Quote from "Life is a Verb"

2011-02-06T22:42:00.000-08:00

No person is your friend who demands your silence or denies your right to grow.

--Alice Walker

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

Rules

2011-01-19T08:26:00.000-08:00

I know I promised a blow-by-blow of my LA trip...but the heart is still healing. Not ready to spill all of that out on paper, or at least the computer. I've spent the last few days burning up the treadmill trying to speed walk off my grief. So far, I've gotten no where, other than my feet being a bit sore and a lot of steps added to my pocket step-counter.

So, thanks to handy-dandy technology and a friend with not enough to do, I have a meme to entertain you with.

Be honest: what are some rules you have for yourself that don’t really make much sense?

no wet socks/shoes unless I'm puddle jumping; some foods just CANNOT touch other foods, period; no sticky hands unless I'm...well, anyway, uhm, otherwise engaged; do NOT, I repeat, do NOT touch the hair, unless we are otherwise engaged--well, ok Mrs Russell got a pass on that one while I was in LA---not the otherwise engaged part, but the pass for tousling of my hair. There is a certain amount of respect for former teachers, especially ones that literally saved my life.

What rules of questionable sense did your parents have for you when you were young?

oh good lord...where to start? telling me they were too "sick" (ahem, hungover) to cook, no dinner tonight...ergo, there I was at ~4, on a chair, cooking, WITH NATURAL GAS, a hot dog for myself because I was hungry. Leaving me home alone at age 3 where I found a pack of my mother's cigarettes and tried to lite one, only to find out I had MUCH more interest in lighting the matches than the cigarette. Teaching me to open bottles of wine when I was ~5 as a "party trick" ...must I go on?

What’s a rule most people (if not all people) seem never to obey?

TURN ON YOUR F&CKING HEADLIGHTS---whether it's wipers on, lights on----or just questionable conditions.

There are no rules governing the giving and receiving of Valentine’s Day gifts, but what rules should there be?

well, if you JUST started dating, don't expect much and don't give too much. If you've been together a long time, you probably know what to get or what kind

of something you're gonna get, and if not, head on over to Vardy's Jewelers and have them help you pick something out!

If the Golden Rule says you should do unto others as you’d have others do unto you, what would the Silver and Bronze rules say?

silver---do not use your Bible to hate others

bronze---if it isn't yours, leave it alone

Of all the hundreds of sizes and shapes bread seems to come in, what is your favorite?

a nice, soft, doughy sourdough with just a hint of crunch in the crust

What’s your favorite thing to eat with rice?

other than sushi? ketchup!

What are your feelings about milk?

it does a lot of damage to THIS body these days....but time was I used to drink a gallon a day.

What was wrapped in the tortilla you most recently ate?

oooh, nothing, just hand made corn tortillas at Colibri in SF! Even the wife will eat the tortillas as is and she doesn't eat tortillas!

How many staplers are there in your house and where are they?

don't ask

What are the coolest and ugliest tattoos you’ve ever seen?

ugliest...a guy had a woman's...ahem, well, euphemism for cat, on his arm...really?

coolest...probably the one that looked 3D ish or the one my sister has on her tatas that just barely shows if she wears a certain blouse...just to piss off Mom!

Are you one of those people who has a favorite pen, or one of those people who just uses whatever’s at hand? What’re your favorite pens like?

I have a lot of favorite things that need to be just so. I worked in a stationary store in my youth...particular pens ARE important. I still miss my Monte Blanc that someone stole from me.

There’s a box of colored markers on the table, and someone tells everyone assembled to grab one. If you have first pick, what do you take?

purple, duh?

Have you ever written on a wall in a public place?

yup, once was a memorial for a friend.

What was the last thing you dropped on the kitchen floor?

today...~1/2 a thumb between 2 hands is the best I've got...LOTS of things drop these days! I've given up being too pissed about it. I just keep twirling the therapy balls the OT folks gave me in order to strengthen both hands.

What cough drops do you like, and do they work very well?

riccola honey lemon, seem to work well. Though, if I can find Ludens...the lemon OR cherry remind me of old days and trips out to Death Valley...(cough cough...)

Who was the last person who dropped you off somewhere?

my wife, for my surgery...dropped me off in pre-op

When were you ever dropped like a bad habit?

how do I narrow that down to just once?

What are your favorite kind of raindrops?

big, lazy drops, summer, where you can stand out in them and enjoy the soft splashes

Do you still have your senior yearbook? Where is it?

yes, storage

What souvenir did you bring back from your last trip?

photos, unless you want to count the alumnae hoodie my school gave me for coming out to support the reunion day?

What visible signs are there of your most recent injury?

the scar with freshly removed stitches in my left thumb

What’s the neatest wedding favor you’ve ever seen?

"Throwaway" cameras...not just so the couple could have pictures of the day back quickly, but they also posted them online for all to see.

What do you do with playbills and movie-ticket stubs?

save 'em in the yearly box.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

The Week That Was...

2011-01-15T22:20:00.000-08:00

.
.
what to say...

I was in LA for my cousin's baby shower and along the way, what an incredible ride. A few of the highlights and lowlights of the trip.

I happened upon an alumnae day, to which I watched both the soccer and basketball teams lose, but I got a cool hoodie...just wish I wore hoodies! My bud from high school ended up with the flu, so instead of a REALLY late night hockey game to watch, I was sending emails and getting some sleep. Sleep, what's that on this trip?

I shared some awesome sushi with my sister, her husband and my nephew. Well, ok, nephew J SERVED us the sushi...but he's an awesome waiter! I got to be one of the first few folks who found out my sister is getting laid off soon. We thought she'd made it this far, she'd be golden. Nope. Suckage. She will be okay, am sure she'll find something soon, but, serious suckage.

Enjoyed the baby shower, despite not exactly fitting in. Got to re-meet a few cousins and meet one I had never met. Pretty amazing concept for me---blood family who gives a damn and likes me.

Was bailed on for brunch by an old friend. I wandered not far, pulled over to park and ponder and happened upon a church I hadn't been in for 2 1/2 decades. Services were just starting and at the time, I thought we had a friend in need of some healing prayers so I went in and took a seat. I figured that healing prayers, from whatever house of worship, would be useful. It wasn't until later I found out she had already passed before I even set out for the non-brunch. However, G-d works in mysterious ways. Sitting right in front of me was that teacher I mentioned almost 2 months ago. I had no idea she attended there, I merely went in to offer up some prayers for our friend. Though the prayers were of no use, I did get to see a friendly face, think back a few dozen years and be completely amazed at coincidence. I met a lot of nice parishioners and it was a lovely service. Funny thing was, while this church was no longer my tradition, I willingly sat through the service, some things never get erased from memory. I miss hearing an organ played, I thought perhaps there would be some benefit and comfort. Instead, I really cemented my belief in Judaism the more I listened, the more I heard. Nothing wrong with the church, it just doesn't do it for me. Though, I will say, the bishop was visiting and she gave me one of the biggest hugs I've had in a long time. And no Dave, I'm NOT a bishop's groupie, nor a bishop's wife!

As I headed to lunch, I read the news from friends about our friend passing. Thankfully, I still know the roads of the town I grew up in---navigating them through tears is not easy, but much easier having spent over 20 years traveling upon them. Debbie was taken too soon from us, and though her legacy will live on in us, it is a loss that we may not understand for a while as to the magnitude.

Had an awesome energy and reiki session with my cousin. I have to say she's wonderful and helped me survive the terrible traffic with her magic. No sooner had I entered the county, did I call my wife and ask "can I come home, this traffic is hideous!". She said "no, you need to at least stay for the shower". She was right, and there were more reasons for me to be there than just the impending baby.

Had a wonderful evening with a long ago friend and her husband. She isn't doing so hot and though I was wont for saying it, I knew part of my visit was to say goodbye to her. She may not be around the next time I get back. It breaks my heart, but it was good to see her, even if she didn't get a lot of words out. It was wonderful to sit and talk with her husband, who is doing an excellent job of taking care of her. I wish I could somehow make it all better, heal her, make her whole again. But I can't. I don't have the power to do such things, no matter how much I wish I did. If this is the last time I see her, the last time she recognizes me, the last time we can smile together, so be it. We have had some special times together and I will always remember that smile.

I shared a few hours and a meal plus with an old flame. We haven't seen one another in almost 3 decades. I assumed he (ok, just stop right there...I was groomed to be a Rose Queen...when was the last time you saw a dyke as a Rose Queen?!?! Right, I gave it all the good college try.) had read my FB profile and likes to get the concept of where I was in life right now. Not sure he did, but he got the idea a while into dinner. More on that another time. Suffice it to say I too remembered why it is we stopped dating many, many years ago. Beyond the gender issue, he just didn't have a lot to offer. We joked a lot. We shared a few minor intellectual things, but beyond that, there wasn't much. I did not expect a lot more, but I did get a good laugh. My mother thought he was the greatest thing since sliced bread, thought we should get married, thought he would be a terrific husband for me. Yeah. Mom should be twirling in her urn about now thinking about how that would have worked out (or not).

Finally, Tuesday arrived. I should have gone out to see an old friend of mine. Instead, I headed an hour away to a funeral that I knew was going to be hard. I will post a blow-by-blow later, but the overview...arrived early for a parking space and seat. Found the mother of a friend from home, got to meet a number of interesting people. Sang my heart out during the funeral. Cried my eyes out during the funeral. Laughed heartily during the funeral. Went to the cemetery to bury her, met more people, cried more. Returned, broke bread and met new people, hung out waiting for shiva since there was no point in leaving. Sat with other new friends for shiva, sang, laughed and cried some more and was sure our friend would just walk in the door, laughing saying "just kidding, c'mon folks let's sing some more!". She didn't and all of us were filled with grief that she will no longer come in that door. Managed to drive an hour back to where I was staying and literally just fall into bed. As with when I was an elite athlete, I left nothing in the gas tank to give that day. This IS THE WAY to say goodbye to someone you love. This IS THE WAY to celebrate the life of someone you love. This IS THE WAY to grieve for someone you love. While I cannot say it does not hurt anymore, it certainly helped me grieve to spend the day mourning a friend, though I was emotionally, physically and spiritually EXHAUSTED.

Then I managed to drive the 400 miles home the next day, attend a shiva for a dear congregant Murray who had passed away on Saturday. Not unexpected at the age of 99, but still sad. He taught me so much, made me laugh so many times and shared so many parts of his life. I will miss his smile so terribly, his learned ways, his teachings and that wicked sense of humor!

I am still sleep deprived, but in a sense, that seems like a good thing. It took my mind off my own "troubles". Except when one friend asked a specific question, I really did not think about my upcoming surgery at all. In some respects, the trip back to where I grew up was a good one. I could escape the tsuris of being at home, of the reality of my upcoming surgery, but I did pay a decent price for that freedom. The world lost the intimate contact with Murray, with Debbie and perhaps with J sooner than later. I would not trade the trip for much of anything else, but exhausting is an understatement.

1800 miles later and my tush is STILL sore from all that sitting and driving. More later as I am more able to tolerate sitting and typing.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Of Funerals, Surgeons and Small Worlds

2010-11-30T21:24:00.000-08:00

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As per usual, I have been rather scarce here.

Some of it has been my being busy. Some of it has been a host of things coming down the road at me. The High Holy Days always take a lot of out me even when I don't sing. Right after HHD ended, we found out a cousin of mine was killed in Kabul. He was due home by Thanksgiving and got blown to bits before then. Missed it by that much and how do you heal a heart missing a 21 year old who will never come home? To top that off, the folks from that gawd-awful "church" that protests at funerals (I WILL NOT use their name) protested at Clint's funeral, saying he deserved to die. HELLO? Really? If I didn't already have a reason to dislike the 5 people in that "church", this just cemented that fact. Telling Clint's mother that he deserved to die and holding up signs saying G-d hates f@gs is important at the funeral of a young man who gave up his life so you have the right to hold up those signs is important WHY? argh! I am all for free speech, but a funeral is about celebrating that person's life and about closure---people who didn't even know him protesting, disturbing his family---I am just disgusted.

If that wasn't the end all, we also buried a member of our congregation. He had been diagnosed with melanoma a while before I was. I saw him, but didn't make the connection at a doc visit. There he was, staring out at me from his funeral booklet. I didn't know him well, but we had a bond and I sat at his funeral crying. Some of it is survivor's guilt. I'm alive. He's not. Hard to be on either side of that equation, no matter how you slice it. Sitting at his funeral reminded me again of my struggle with melanoma and made it near impossible to forget. I'm always going to be a cancer patient. Always. Dave isn't a patient anymore and that just SUCKS.

Along the way I managed another thumbthingy surgery. Just got the stitches out today. This one is no where NEAR as extensive as the last. All I can really say is a) I understand why Michael Jackson enjoyed propofol so much---I was down for no more than 40 minutes, but woke up feeling as refreshed as if I had slept for 2 days and b) if anyone out there ever NEEDS a hand surgeon, I've got an excellent one---ask me for a referral---am HAPPY to share the name.

To wrap it all up, just yesterday FB tried to get me to make a connection with someone. I thought it odd they were suggesting the connection, we only have one friend in common. The name dislodged something in my memory, so I went looking. This guy had some photos made public with his profile even if you aren't a friend, so
I poked around to see if I knew him. There, a few pictures in, staring right at me was my 5th grade teacher. His mother was my 5th grade teacher! Really? OMG!?! I literally had JUST been talking about how she used to read to us. Despite my being a more visual person, I would listen to her read the stories as if I could see them running across the chalkboard in front of me when she read. Yes, back before white boards! I do miss that smile, the laugh and her sense of humor and all I can say is FB and the algorithm they use is just incredible. Our one friend in common worked with him longer ago than I last talked to that teacher...weird, weird, weird. But if it makes a connection back to her for me...cool!

Despite it being winter, do me a favor, go make an appointment with your doctor. Have s/he check out your spots, moles and weird things. What better time to have something cut off/out than now when you can spend a few months covering it up?

Go.

Get checked.

Really.

Now!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Continuing On

2010-09-14T11:00:00.001-07:00

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The good news is, I haven't posted in a while. It usually means there isn't any pressing melanoma need for me to post. In fact, there is little on that front to report, thankfully. When I started this blog, I was not entirely sure that would ever be the truth. No one in my family had even beaten melanoma. My plan was to kick ass and take names. And I did. As I have repeatedly posted here, melanoma isn't something that just goes away. It just goes stealth, small enough they can't find it for now. There is no "done", just no new news to report. I get tests, they come back relatively normal. My internist is more worried about the usual 40+ year old "problems" than he is anything else.

I do not live and breathe melanoma or the effects of the treatments every moment, as I once did.

But it is never far from my mind. We observed kever avot the other day and I wore long sleeves, slathered on 100SPF and brought an umbrella to stand about the cemetery. I went on afterward to attend the funeral of a guy I went to school with and made sure that umbrella was with me, especially since I had to park nearly in the next county to get to the chapel. As I stood waiting to enter the chapel, I thought how ironic that I was doing everything I could to save my life, yet Dave had taken his and here we were celebrating his life. I think harder for me that day was having to say something about the life of one friend at kever avot who took his life years ago, then attend the funeral of another and give a eulogy because all his family and pastor could talk about was what a sin that Dave had committed against *them*. His brother wanted someone to say something positive about his life and asked me to speak. All I could do was talk about the Dave I had known and that the Jewish thought on suicide was that the person was not in their right mind at the time and we forgive them and all the pain they must have been in to commit that act. Didn't go over well with the Baptists convened at the funeral-oh well. I wish things had been reversed and Dave and I were sitting in the back of the chapel, chatting about life instead of me talking about the end of his.

And so it goes. There is good news. There is not so good news. And we continue on.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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I am...

2010-07-31T08:34:00.001-07:00

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I cannot take credit for this, but I am posting it here because of the truths included.

As with any equality issue, we still have a long fight in front of us. Despite having a host of friends who agree with and support my marriage, there are those out there who don't, who don't see the everyday struggles for even something within spitting distance of equal ground. Despite the advances, these issues still abound. So the next time you think you've "done enough" for the civil rights of others, and thus, yourself, think again---do these things still happen, even here in California? Yes. Yes, they still do, every, single, day.

I share this...because many of them apply to me, yes, me.

from:
http://wiki.youth-guard.org/index.php?title=I_am

-I am the boy who never finished high school, because I got called a fag every day.

-I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.

-I am the guy that lives on the streets because I am scared to go home.

-I am the prostitute working the streets because I can't find anybody who will hire a transsexual woman.

-I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.

-We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.

-I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.

-I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.

-I am the Christian that can’t find a pastor to marry me to a woman in the eyes of God.

-I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.

-I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.

-I am the child that dreams of seeing my mum again. The courts won’t let me because she lives with another woman.

-We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.

-I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.

-I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.

-I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.

-I am the brother that gets called a fag just because my brother isn’t ashamed of who he is.

-I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.

-I am the girl that was raped behind my school because some stranger wanted to teach me to be a “real woman”.

-I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.

-I am the guy down the street that can’t get a disability pension because my partner is a man.

-I am the woman who died when the paramedics stopped treating me because they found out I didn't have a female body.

-I am the man that is afraid of losing his job, for expressing his true identity.

-I am the mother that sees my son come home from school every day in tears because the other kids call him a girl.

-I am the celebrity that wishes I could tell the would who I am, but I'm too scared.

-I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.

-I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn’t have to always deal with society hating me.

-I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don’t believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.

-I am the Youth Worker that sees hundreds of kids thrown out of home because they were honest with their families.

-I am the girl that struggles to get up in the morning because school is so cruel to me.

-I am the footballer scared to come out because I might lose my contract.

-I am the boy that always wanted a Barbie, but no one would let me have one.

-I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most: love.

-I am the woman that wants to join the army, but my family wont let me because I would look like a dyke.

-I am the person ashamed to tell my own friends I’m a lesbian, because they constantly make fun of them.

-I am the boy tied to a fence, beaten to a bloody pulp and left to die because two straight men wanted to “teach me a lesson”.

-I am the bisexual whose friends don't want her to go to a movie with them because there'll be a homophobe there, and they don't want him to get mad at them for inviting me.

-We are all around you.

-We are the millions that want the hate to end.

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Interesting Quote

2010-07-27T14:37:00.000-07:00

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One of the millions of lists I am on sends an update about upcoming holidays. The next big one is going to be Elul, the month before THE High Holidays. It is a time for reflection, to figure out how to apologize to those you have hurt in the past year and to figure out how to move on to the new year (in a nutshell).

Most of the things sent out make a lot of sense, using that old precept of do unto others and think about how the other person feels.

Sitting in my Inbox, was a gem. It made stop and think for a moment. About the pains I feel, about the pains I have caused others. It was one of those nodding moments. Yup...that's it!

The quote was: A stiff apology is a second insult---the injured party does not want to be compensated because they have been wronged; they want to be healed because they have been hurt.

Most of the "compensation" we want for what ails us is for the injury caused and a stilted apology does nothing to repair the injury. For the pain we have endured, there is no amount of money that will unhurt the heart, unblow the mind that someone could possibly hurt us that much, one cannot unspeak words sent to slash open a heart.

Mostly what we want is to be whole again. That is something very hard to do with a simple apology.

Trust plays into this so much that it almost beckons me to call this a trust issue, not a healing of the hurt. How do you trust someone who has hurt you, willingly or not, so deeply? With hypothetical blood dripping from your heart down your chest, how do you walk to that person and trust them not to slash open a larger slit in your damaged heart? How do you allow them to open their mouth to speak when your expectations are just that they will continue to take a dagger to you?

I, truthfully, don't know that I have the answers.

I try hard to allow myself to forgive, but know that when I am hurt, I hurt big time. No handy-dandy butterfly closure will hold back the pulse of my heart from splattering blood out in front of me when someone has filleted my heart. As a friend who is no longer with us once told me---I feel more than others feel, so the trust and apologies I need, are greater than most. A quiet little backhanded apology doesn't work for me. I need to hear your heart beating the apology as hard as you worked to damage my heart in the first place. Otherwise, like using a fly swatter against a Wimbledon champion's serve, it is useless. I do know that when I apologize, I do so from the depths of my being. Hurting someone else hurts me as much or more than it hurts the person I have pained. In some respects, I suppose that is fitting---I feel more, no matter if I am the injured party or the one making the mistake.

So as I contemplate how to be easier on those who have wronged me and how I can better apologize for my behaviour, I suppose I need to also think about how to be more receptive to those apologies. Were it an easy task, this wouldn't be a blip on the radar of a blog. Instead, hundreds or thousands of blogs will contemplate similar things in the next month plus. And like world peace, perhaps, some day, it will indeed happen!

What I do know is that my oncologist suggests forgiveness. I don't know whether that is so that whatever mistakes he makes are forgiven, or more for his patients health. Oh, wait, that'd be a trust issue, wouldn't it? ;-)

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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World Cup

2010-07-07T21:21:00.000-07:00

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A lot of people are talking about and following the World Cup action these days.

Despite being a jock, I really am not following things that closely.

It isn't because soccer isn't an American sport. It is.

But it is much more than that.

The first time I remember even having a concept that the World Cup was happening was the summer of 1984. I was in England, traveling with my grandparents. The first day there I met a man I fell in love with. He taught me about futbol, he taught me about cricket, he taught me about his country and he taught me to drive a stick shift on the "wrong" side of the road. I distinctly remember walking thru the dining room of our hotel in Bath, watching the staff sitting around a small TV, watching the game on at the moment. It amazed me then that people could be so polarized. It still amazes me.

I remember those days as if they were last week.

Which is why I have a hard time watching the games.

I am taken back, to the humid, damp, HOT days I spent in England, watching TV, having Topher explain in my ear what was going on. ok, there WERE also cold, damp days, but they were few and far between!).

I turn around, expecting to see him there, next to me. Cheering.

But I don't.

It still breaks my heart.

He's been gone so many years now, but it still breaks my heart to look over and not see him.

Merrit Malloy had a poem, I can't remember the title anymore, or even which book it came from. But the gist was...he's been gone a dozen winters now, but she still checks for him...

I still look, I still expect, I still hope to see him there, yelling at the Brit boys, or one of the other teams that would fall under UK if they played that way. He's been gone more than two decades now, but at this time of year, I still look for him.

I can talk about England, do research on Ireland and Scotland for genealogy, read all about the UK. I can even look at scores. But this one thing still puts a catch in my throat.

That vast green grass, with the little white ball bouncing around and the guys running around falling down at even the whiff of a foul---I think it laughs back at me as I stare at it.

This is why I don't watch the games.

I think I am expecting to see back into history, to a time I could still touch him, sitting right next to me.

That just can't be done.

So I don't watch, because I know what the outcome will be.

It isn't a score I speak of.

You can't keep score in something like this.

There are no winners.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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Nona D Hamilton

2010-06-22T21:38:00.000-07:00

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I was doing something completely unrelated this morning and watched the GoogleSearch pop up with results I knew would eventually come to fruition for the results I wanted. A name and obituary appeared listed. A name I know only too well, with a bunch of others I know too well too.

I clicked on the link and waited for the page to load, knowing some of what I would see.

The first thing that popped up was a picture. I gasped a bit. Then smiled thru tears forming as the rest of the page loaded.

A smiling face looking at me. I could almost hear her giggle emitting from the photo. She'd start out with an "ohhhh, ohhhh" then an almost "hee-hee" and eventually followed by a hearty belly laugh with something akin to a "ho-ho-ho-ho-hoah" when she was running out of breath.

What was facing me on this webpage was that my aunt Nona was dead.

Dead a few months now. Not that anyone bothered to let me know. It is a pattern with my family, to withhold. I guess I shouldn't be surprised anymore. A part of me expects somehow things will change. In fact, this just proves nothing has changed, which is sad.

When I was a very small child, I remember Nona and her husband Maynard visiting our house. I was probably 3 and the only REAL memory of that visit was that she was this TALLLLLLLL woman, at least while I was sitting on the living room floor. Mind you, one grandfather was 6'1", my uncle was 6'5" and most everyone else was over 5'6", so one would think I would know what tall was. After her husband died, I "met" Nona again. At the time she was barely taller than I was, and I hadn't hit my growth spurt yet. I was shocked, wondering if she had shrunk! I told Nona that story a while later and she roared with laughter! She was "tall" by that side of the family's standard, but she was by no means a very tall woman!

Nona was a very intelligent woman and a lady to boot. She knew right and wrong and would stand VERY firm on her principles, no matter the pain involved. I watched her go after the manager of a place one time who had dismissed her as an old coot and walked off. She heard what he said, turned her head to ponder what had come out of his mouth, took a breath, stood up, straightened her clothes, then strode over to him and proceeded to rip him a new one. Not a loud word came out of her mouth, not a 4 letter unfriendly was emitted either. She firmly and sternly told that manager his attitude was unbecoming, intolerable and unprofessional. She then lit into him about what WAS acceptable and what he WAS going to do to rectify the situation, immediately, including an apology to her and our family. He didn't like it, but he did EXACTLY as she said. She stood there with a stiff jaw, her head held high while he stumbled through his apologies and corrected the wrong. When he was finished, she nodded her head, approved of his apologies and then strode off, head still held high. Right and wrong were important to her, that was evident in most everything she did.

That stiff jaw was something I saw a lot of. She wasn't tense or standoffish, but she also wasn't effusive. The German heritage ran thru her veins too, even though she was born here in the States. I remember when I came out to her. I didn't hear anything from her. When we saw each other the next time, I took her aside and asked if she had any questions or comments. She quietly, but firmly said "no, no questions" and busied herself with the contents of her purse. She wasn't one to share a lot of emotions, but if you paid attention, you knew exactly how she felt. I never knew if she didn't want to know more about my orientation because of something inside of her, or someone she once knew, or whether sexuality was just not something she wanted to talk about. I know when she and Maynard were married, there were pictures of their honeymoon, with her in a revealing bathing suit, and I know she knew OF such things, but in all the time I knew her, I don't think we EVER talked about anything relating to sex, period. Her sister, my Grandma would talk of anatomy at the drop of a hat, but Grandma was a dentist, so the body was second nature to her.

One of the things Nona taught me was to be graceful in accepting things from others. She and Grandma nearly knocked each other over to give me "gas money" when I would come to visit. It was an hour+ drive each way without traffic to go see them from my father's house, so it was no small cost to accomplish. At first, I would try to avoid them giving me money. I had been taught not at accept it, from my parents who said it wasn't right for me to accept it. But Nona took me aside one time and told me in no uncertain terms not to argue with her, she was my aunt and one did not argue with her elders. She also told me that if I didn't accept the money, she'd find a way to put it in my pants, my shirt, my bra, SOMETHING---and I wouldn't want THAT embarrassment, would I? ;-) From then on, I graciously said "no, no, you shouldn't" and then either accepted the money or let them put the cash in my shirt pocket.

She was also well known for sending cards and letters. Usually a week or more before my birthday (depending on how the Canadian post was running or if they were on strike), a card, hand addressed in her large, loopy handwriting would arrive. She always wrote notes, she always included a check. Of that, I could count on. I always made sure I wrote her a thank you note first, because I knew it was important to her that she received the note back and often, hers was the first card to arrive.

What I think I remember the most was her laughter. She could giggle at the slightest provocation, but she also had this belly laugh that just enveloped the room. She was never gregarious, but you knew you had hit her funny bone when she got to the hearty belly laugh stage. Many of my memories of my visits with her and my Grandma were of all of us getting laughing so hard that Nona was belly laughing and ALL of us were crying because we were laughing so hard.

The one thing that I could not overlook was the date she died. April 20. The day the platform blew up in the Gulf of Mexico. Maynard had been an oil executive in Canada. The day she slipped away from this world, the oil world exploded. Ironic, isn't it?

Nona lived to 95. Considering she had a number of health issues 10-15 years ago, it is surprising she lived this long. Then again, Grandma was a "runt" and she lived only to 99 and their "baby" brother B is still kicking, though he had some even more major health issues many years back as well. There are a number of cousins from that branch that lived to 103-107 ish. We are a strong lot. If we make it past ~50, we've got a good chance of making it to old age. Nona was a tough lady, but gentle about it. She and Nane were a lot alike. I miss Nona dearly. That laughter will stay with me forever.

May her memory be for a blessing.

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Tap, Tap, Tap. This Thing On?

2010-06-19T17:02:00.000-07:00

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I had a friend email me the other day. she wanted to know if I was still alive since the blog hadn't been updated in, like, you know, forever.

I am alive.

The thumbthing is taking a lot of my time and inhibiting my writing, thus I'm not posting much of anything longer than a short blurb on FB. As another friend with a cancer blog can attest, if I'm not posting, it probably means good things, I'm too busy to kvetch about cancer.

I am still skinnier than most of you reading have ever known me. I'm fine. Really. A friend said her daughter came home from school and saw me around temple and nearly freaked out, thinking I was very sick because I'd lost so much weight. I'm fine. In fact, this last week I GAINED a pound. Delicious chocolate cake from The Kitchen Table in Mountain View is the reason. Well, that and not working out twice a day to work it off!

PT is going along nicely. ROM is progressing, though slowly. The scars should look pretty good once the swelling goes down and we stop poking at it during PT and annoying them. I don't think I'll be hitchhiking any time soon, nor will I be playing any fancy sonatas or concertos, but the thumb no longer spazzes just from measuring the ROM at PT. I still have a bit of work to effectively flip someone off, but given enough time, I could manage to get my point across.

The latest bloodwork came back scarily clean. Two numbers annoyed the doctor, but both could be attributed to my not doing a lot post-surgery. He wasn't much worried about the numbers because of my bump on a couch behavior post-op. He doesn't want to see me for a long while, so this is good news. This is something that most cancer patients CANNOT say.

The hardest things for me of late aren't the lack of function in my hand. Those are annoyances, but liveable. The hardest things have been knowing friends are fighting with their own struggles. One friend is stage 4 cancer and, truthfully, it doesn't look good for her. "A" could use all the prayers available. Then again, my friend S who last fall had liver metz, is still kicking, something I wasn't sure I'd be able to say. I hope I can kick A & S around for years to come but I have learned that cancer is a fickle thing. I have a number of other friends with cancer, for whom the bell will toll, it is just a matter of time. For me, that is just hard to swallow.

We also had the news yesterday that our friends had to put their dear pup Bear down. It was not unexpected, he had had tumors on his leg, something the size of the bandaid that was on my face for so long. The doc had said "I dunno, 3 days, 3 weeks, 3 months". Since the original big event of "take him home, change the bandage and wait", it has been almost 5 months. Bear was a tenacious one. Stubborn, hard headed, a little OCD, but a huge love. He would growl at us like he wanted to kill us, then crate himself because he KNEW it was wrong, but his defensive mode wouldn't shut off. He'd come on out and snuggle after that, or try to get a treat from us, or just lay at our feet. Bear knew how to have fun too. He'd bound across the yard after something, stand there, look around and wait to pounce, sometimes impatiently barking for something to happen. He also "taught" me to play toss with him. Not with a ball, though that WOULD do. He liked to chase ice cubes. Not to retrieve them. But to chase them and eat them. First for the hunt, then for the satisfaction of the ice in his mouth. We will miss Bear and his furry black face.

For those who haven't seen the review---go see Falsettoland currently in production locally by Stirfry Theatre. A fantastic production, affordable with a wonderful cast. Nope, I don't get anything out of it. YOU get something out of it---supporting a small production of local artists who have a passion for their craft. Go with the recommendation of someone who has seen the production---the best advertising---word of mouth!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Thumbthing Surgery

2010-04-22T11:32:00.000-07:00

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Just a note here for those who aren't FB friends. The thumbgthing surgery finally happened!

I'm wrapped up and screwed, stitched and sore. Pain meds are a GOOOOOOD thing...despite what my chiropractor tells us about avoiding meds. I will be pretty fuzzy for a while, which is why the wife is insisting on not leaving me alone. I slept thru part of choir on sanctuary chairs the other night because, though I would have preferred to be asleep on a nice comfy couch, the couch and choir were too far apart.

When I can easily upload I will post a pic of the progress. Right now not much to see other than wrapping.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Sixteen Years...

2010-04-12T13:41:00.000-07:00

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Sixteen years. Around here it means you're eligible to apply for a driver's license. Eligible to work with minor limitations. To get married in some locales.

Today, it is recognition of how many years ago I said goodbye to my mother in a teeny ICU room at UCLA.

I know I was wearing steel toed boots, jean shorts, a tshirt and rather short cropped hair. I don't think I could have looked any more butch-dyke if I tried. I know on the flight down I sat next to man who had obviously been salesman for a long time and had the suit to prove it. Am sure we were quite a pair to see. A contrast to say the least.

In these sixteen years, I've learned to drive, so to speak, on my own without Mom around. I have to admit, she's still here, close to my heart as ever, her words roaming around in my head. Just last week I drove past a place nearby that always has a bazillion tulips sprouting up this time of year. I thought about her side view of a tulip and, while in between funerals and so was a bit teary-eyed anyway, nearly teared up at the thought. I was talking with someone recently and the words "I wouldn't touch that investment with a ten foot pole" came spouting out. I literally looked around to see if my mother were standing next to me. I still look for the fancy undies she'd send me twice a year for holidays and birthdays.

At times, like the other day when Dixie Carter died, I wonder what she would look like, what she would be like. Dixie was a few years older than mom and in some respects a lot alike. I wonder if she'd turn into a cranky old lady as her own mother did, or whether we'd still be making a scene at the mall or burger joint like we used to, giggling along the way.

When I toil away in the yard, planting this or digging up that, I think of Mom. She was a fantastic gardener, somehow always growing something amazingly, despite my thrashing the backyard with my latest athletic endeavor. I think of her when I dig, when I plant, when I watch something grow.

But sixteen years seems like a long time to miss someone. I know I'll always miss her. I know I'll always wonder what if things had been different. I will also always have the memories I keep close by. I also know I don't go out of my way to miss her every day. Despite what I thought in the beginning, the hole that I carried with me that morning after she died, is still there, but filled with other more joyful things. I cry, I laugh, I smile when I think of her, but I also know she would beat the tar out of me if she thought I were still actively mourning, not moving along with my grief appropriately.

Sixteen years. A lifetime and yet, a such a short time ago. I wish she were here, watching this rain pour down today with me, instead, celebrating the 7th birthday of a friend's daughter and merrily complaining about the upcoming tax day. Instead, I sit and remember Mom at this moment. In case anyone needs an excuse don't smoke. Don't start smoking. Don't just try one. Just don't. Please.

I miss ya Mom!

Larry Marks

2010-03-20T06:02:00.000-07:00

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May the memory of Larry Marks be for a blessed memory to all of us who knew him and may his actions live on in us for the rest of the world to see.

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Long Way Around

2010-03-02T22:18:00.000-08:00

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Was at the gym this afternoon for the first time in I dunno how long. After having my first cold in like 5 years, I've been away from the gym for a bit. Yes, despite all my chemo, I never got a cold. Complete opposite of what they expected. Ooops! Wait, as my internist said the other day about one reaction I'm having that makes NO sense "I'm learning that nothing is out of the ordinary for you!".

As I was cranking it out on the treadmill, I let the iPod play a bit, thru some songs I either haven't listened to yet, or not for a long time. There are something like 20k songs on there...I may NEVER get to them all!

I came across the Dixie Chicks "The Long Way Around". Played it a few times and listened. I know it describes their turmoil with some folks for their views on "Shrub", but I understand the words only too well. I don't often fit into the mold set out for me, and more often than not, I'll hang with the people no one wants to hang with and have a great time with it and fit in just fine. Some people just don't get it, some people just will never understand. Some people just don't have open enough minds to realize that some of us march to a different beat and drummer than the rest of the world. Such is life. I am more of a "live and let live" type, because life is too short to deal with drama crap and restrict yourself to one set way of living.

Live a bit folks, none of us gets off this ride alive!

"The Long Way Around"--The Chicks

My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses in the same ZIP codes
Where their parents live

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

I hit the highway in a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I've been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
But I've always found my way somehow

By taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn't kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

It's been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I'm getting' it back on the road now

But I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
I'm taking the long way
Taking the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well, I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I, I could never follow
No I, I could never follow

Well, I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I'm gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
Taking the long way
Taking the long way around
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I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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Free

2010-02-25T20:24:00.000-08:00

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I have a number of other cancer blogs I read. One begot another, begot another...and pretty soon I've got a bazillion blogs saved, most of them about cancer or friends of those with cancer. I read them to check up on friends and sometimes, just to read up on other people's journey with cancer. For a while there, it was pretty tough---I lost a lot of blogger friends to this disease. Of late, I've been reading blogs of those who, like me, are technically cancer free.

You can be cancer free, but not free of cancer.

Yes, there is a difference.

The first describes what the docs will tell you, then in the next breath explain you will have a lifetime ahead of you looking for that cancer to come back. But wait! Cancer free, doesn't that mean there is no cancer? Well, no. It means the docs have not come up with a test that detect any cancer in your body, but that does not mean there is no cancer in there. They just can't find it, yet.

There is no real remission from most cancers. It is just a case of there not being a small enough sieve to test thru in order to search for the cancer that they know is still, most likely, there. Cancer free just means they can stop treating you right now, until it gets big enough again for someone to find it.

There is a chance, it will never get that large again. Yippie!

But not a really big chance of that.

Especially with something like melanoma.

Like some ex sneaking around in a crowd of a million people, the cancer cells are out there, you just can't see them, yet.

Some folks ARE lucky. Their bodies fight off the cells and bingo, the cells never get big enough again to be a problem.

But until the game is over, you never know if you're one of the lucky ones, or not.

Which brings me to the blog of a friend. She was very young and was Dx with breast cancer. Fast forward and we're nearing two years since her Dx and describes the process as if she were in a car wreck, but surviving the wreck. There is a fog, there is a wonder if a 2x4 is going to catch up with you, there is a disbelief, there is anger. The thing she said about the anger is that so many people think that because you're "cancer free" you're home free. That you must be well if you're not being treated. The answer is no. You're not well, you're still recovering, you're still wondering what might happen next. If the next time you get a blood draw they say "oh, well, looky there cancer!", you're still trying to get the nightmares of your treatment out of your head, you're still wondering what the name of the thing, you know, THAT thing, the one you're trying to describe, yes THAT one, what the HELL the name of it is because chemo brain is still present and covering up your memory of certain things just well enough you sound like an idiot sometimes. G-d help me when menopause hits...I'll never be able to speak!

I know I've posted before about this and I've explained my own anger about this and other cancer related relationships. It isn't something I'll ever get to let go of. It is something I'll have to live with the rest of my life. It is fine to try to be positive, but sometimes, you know, it just isn't happening. That pain I had in my armpit a few months ago---that's a good example of how the worry never goes away. I wish I could explain it better. I wish I could let go of the fear that has gripped me my entire life. Before Dx, I was worried it was coming. Since the Dx, the worry that it'll come back. Mind you, I don't obsess about this. But it is something I cannot keep too far from my mind, because it IS out there. Unlike the tshirt stating "maybe they really ARE out to get me", I don't have to consider that---it is a real possibility the cancer cells are just outside the door.

I wish something quick and easy could "cure" survivors of this fear. I know I would sleep better for it. But, other than living a long and healthy life, there is no guarantee of long life. For anyone. Some of us just know there are potential limits more than others do and that has an effect on living life. I see things differently than others--I always have, always will. I live each day as a gift, but that doesn't mean I don't worry.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Seriously...

2010-02-03T21:26:00.000-08:00

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Ok folks. Don't panic. Really.

I'm not sick.

I know I've lost just about 40 pounds in the month of January.

But I'm not sick again.

Well, ok, I can't guarantee I'll never get sick again. But the last labs and scans didn't show anything of concern.

The latest labs the internist took didn't show a big concern either, other than recovering from what put me in hospital in the first place.

I'm down into what used to be my skinny, skinny, skinny, muffin top jeans---most of you haven't seen me in those ever. The tuchis in those jeans are a little baggy even. A friend has called me baggy butt jeans girl.

I appreciate the concern. Really. But I'm losing weight, aiming towards being more healthy. Recovering from that little trip to the hospital.

But I'm doing ok.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Let The Wind Chase You

2010-01-17T21:26:00.000-08:00

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I know I've been silent for a while. Lots of medical related stuff that are tough to wrap my head around. I spoke with one friend and we agreed, we want a refund for 2010...so far it has sucked. Suffice it to say, I've lost 25lbs in 2 weeks and the thumbthing surgery is off indefinitely. Such is life.

On a different note...came across a song by Trisha Yearwood today. It's one she did a few years back. There's someone who has wandered off. As another friend said---sometimes, there's a reason people from your past didn't make it to your future. The song reminded me that I was pushed away and finally took the hint and have stayed away.

...I don’t wanna blame myself
Thinking that I’m not enough
And wonder what’s wrong with me

So let the wind chase you
I can’t do it anymore
Let the road run after you
Like I always did before
Let the stars catch your eye
‘Cause I’ve tried and tried and tried
And I won’t do
So let the wind chase you

I don’t wanna work for your friendship
I don’t wanna try to be
Something that you’re looking for
You’re never gonna find in me

So let the wind chase you
I can’t do it anymore...

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Whoa, A Post From Me!

2009-12-21T22:29:00.000-08:00

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It's been a while since I posted. Lots has happened, including the cancellation of my thumbthing surgery for now and a host of other things. Instead of posting the sordid details, I'm posting something a friend sent today. 10, 9, 8, 7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1...here it comes.

TEN HOW'S:
1. How did you get one of your scars? I have a scar over my left eyebrow. The first portion of it came from my mother smacking me once with a spoon and opened up the skin. The second part of it came from a guy a dated who took a swing at me. I took a softball bat to the guy who hit me.
2. How did you celebrate your last birthday? With the wife, of course!
3. How are you feeling at this moment? Tired, a little ticked at something that is an annoyance.
4. How did your night go last night? went well, cooked some really healthy dinner foods with the wife.
5. How did you do in high school? I passed, but because it was a prep school, I ended up with technically with a B+ average.
6. How did you get the shirt you're wearing? Nane bought me the SC shirt I've got on. I miss Nane a lot.
7. How did you meet your spouse? At a bar...seriously.
8. How much money did you spend last month? not much, really.
9. How old do you want to be when you get married? I was 22 when we first committed to one another, finally got CA-legal at the age of 40...bout freekin time!
10. How old will you be at your next birthday? over 40, let's leave it at that.

NINE WHAT'S:
1. What’s your mothers name? r u kidding? Mom's been dead a long time.
2. What did you do last weekend? hung out with the wife, taking care of a pup, just relaxing.
3. What is the most important part of your life? my sweetie.
4. What would you rather be doing? I'd rather be a bazillionaire, setting up foundations and trusts for those in need.
5. What did you last cry over? being so frustrated at the cancellation of my thumbthing surgery.
6. What always makes you feel better when you are upset? usually, being alone.
7. What is the most important thing you look for in a significant other? someone who can make me laugh, someone with compassion, someone with enough brains to keep up.
8. What are you worried about? Let me count the ways!
9. What did you have for breakfast? a vegan donut, soy yogurt, turkey weenies

EIGHT HAVE YOU'S:
1. Have you ever liked someone who had a girlfriend/boyfriend? sure, but like is different than steal.
2. Have you ever had your heartbroken? Absolutely.
3. Have you ever been out of the country? Yup.
4. Have you ever done something outrageously dumb? yes, we all have those moments, hopefully we learn from them and move on.
5. Have you ever been back stabbed by a friend? yes, it's one of the reasons I have some trust issues.
6. Have you ever had sex on the beach? yup, sand gets in some pretty interesting places, once you get back to the world of thinking of something other than having sex on the beach.
7. Have you ever dated someone younger than you? Nope, have always gone for older folks
8. Have you ever read an entire book in one day? Yes…many a time at the cabin

SEVEN WHO'S:
1. Who was the last person you saw? the wife
2. Who was the last person you texted? the wife
3. Who was the last person you hungout with? the wife
4. Who was the last person to call you? the wife
5. Who did you last hug? ouida and tammy, no they are not together, they just happened to wish me a merry xmas together this morning at the same time!
6. Who is the last person who texted you? the wife
7. Who was the last person you said "I love you" to? the wife...do we sense a theme here? haven't done much with others today and those I did see other than her, pissed me off...oy.

SIX WHERE'S:
1. Where did your best friend live when you were growing up? sort of across the street.
2. Where did you last go? Chinese for dinner---it was a disaster---we left 1/4 full and beyond pissed off at the completely awful service and food we received tonight. And yes, it is a respectable place we've been to 100's of times, service is declining there, crispy eggplant in garlic sauce, or not.
3. Where did you last hang out? with Chloe this weekend.
4. Where do you go to school? too many places to count and name.
5. Where is your favorite place to be? with the wife, someplace pretty
6. Where did you sleep last night? In my bed with my wife

FIVE DO'S/DOES:
1. Do you like someone right now? yeah, I like lots of people; also dislike the actions of some folks.
2. Do you think anyone likes you? well, am guessing the wife does
3. Do you ever wish you were someone else? day dreaming, sure!
4. Do you know the muffin man? calorie filled asshat!
5. Does the future scare you? Some days, sure, other times it is pretty amazing to think about.

FOUR WHY'S:
1. Why are you best friends with your best friend(s)? she kissed me! actually, we were best buds before she kissed me, then became my wife.
2. Why did you get a myspace? I can't keep up with FB and blogging and email and txts and...sheesh!
3. Why did your parents give you the name you have? they were expecting a boy, had plenty of those names picked out. Thankfully, my mother had some medical complications, so they had time to think. Camilla Elizabeth was a choice...dunno why on the Camilla other than mom wanted to call me Cammy. Eliz for my godmother and my mother's godmother. Thankfully, someone stepped in and I was named after my father's cousin.
4. Why are you doing this survey? a friend sent it to me and I haven't posted in a while.

THREE IF'S:
1. If you could have one super power what would it be?? to produce whatever needed, not necessarily wanted, but needed---such as being able to produce a 1/2" socket wrench just when we need it to continue building the sukkah at our congregation; or to be able make a quick mortgage payment for someone who needs just a little help getting by; or to be able to buy groceries for that family needing a little extra help; or to allow a kid to go to college without having to work a full time job just to manage to pay some bills without racking up a huge debt.
2. If you could go back in time and change one thing, would you? Yes
3. If u were stranded on a deserted island & could bring 1 thing what would you bring? a large and well stocked ship to get us off the dang island!

TWO WOULD-YOU-EVER'S:
1. Would you ever get back together with any of your ex's if they asked you? HELL NO! there's a reason they are in the past!
2. Would you ever shave your head to save someone you love? Yes, of course!

ONE LAST QUESTION
1. Are you happy with your life right now? happy with most of those in my life, sure. would it be nice to have housing? Sure! would it be nice to know we had medical insurance that won't bankrupt us? Sure!
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Silence

2009-12-05T21:43:00.000-08:00

It is one of those things.

Silence.

It can be deafening, overwhelming even the most quiet among us.

When aimed right at you, the knife it is served on is even more painful than the unsaid.

It reminds me of the lyric: "Where'd you learn to fight without saying a word?..Don't know what to say, Don't know what to do...".

There's someone who has made it quite clear I'm not welcome. Around, near, speaking to or even worth an email reply.

I get it. I don't understand it, but I get it. I feel the knife dug deep in my back. I get it, I'm an easy target.

Except, I'm not playing this game anymore.

I don't chase people who don't want any part of me.

Play the game with someone else next time...or better yet, grow the hell up.

Lions and Tigers and Bears...Oh My

2009-11-30T21:57:00.000-08:00

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Just a quick note on the whole "Tiger" situation.

If it had been his neighbor, the one who called 9-1-1, who crashed his car into the hydrant, would anyone care other than his insurance company and his spouse?

We follow Tiger because he has an incredible ability to smack the crap out of a little white ball and have it land in a little cup a few hundred yards away in the middle of a bunch of grass, sand and water. Not because he can handle an SUV, or his wife, or the kids.

He has taken great care to keep most of his life private. I laud him for that. Various media outlets have publicly stated they will hound Tiger until he answers "all their questions".

Really?

Why?

So they can attempt to humiliate him? To attempt to make him squirm? What possible use is that exercise?

Oh right, cut the magnificent Tiger down to human! Why?

Didn't anyone learn anything from what happened in a tunnel in France on 31 August 1997?

Tiger fistpumps when he makes a great shot. It tells me he is human. If it were rote, such shots would be nothing for him. He is human.

When something like this happens, I think back almost 16 years. I had to take a plane ride to see my mother one last time, to turn off her life support and somehow deal with my grief. I did not have a spotlight on me. I did not have reporters hounding me as to why it was I was or was not going to turn off her life support. Why I wasn't there when she needed me in the first place or why I was wearing the clothes I was wearing or the t-shirt I was wearing, carrying the bag I was carrying or wearing the steel toed boots I had on that set off the metal detector. Or why I went back to work the next morning (to train my new boss) instead of something else the media thought was more important.

When my wife and I argue, I thank my stars that I am not under the scrutiny of the media. We all argue. We all have issues. We all occasionally do things we are not proud of (I am recalling the time I was much younger and flipped off a nun who'd nearly run me off the 170 in LA). Considering Tiger was groomed to live this life, seemingly rarely stepping out of line since that first video we saw of him at age 3---I think he is allowed one "do over".

I can tell you, being an elite athlete, I am SURE he's already kicked himself from here to next week all on his own for whatever it is that he is responsible for---it is something those of us who have the skills to play a game extremely well are VERY good at. Practice makes perfect, even at kicking oneself.

I don't know what happened, I don't think it is anything any of us should be concerned with. Whether it was something between he and his wife; he and his insurance company or if he was just going out to get something for the baby and he dropped his cell on the way out the driveway and while reaching to pick it up, he hit the hydrant, then the tree. It's his deal.

Life is hard enough.

Let it go folks.

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Fear

2009-11-20T16:09:00.000-08:00

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I woke up that morning a little tired, but basically okay. I had had a quick bout with food poisoning two night previous---some bad pecans I think, so my torso muscles were a quite sore. But after breakfast and a quick trip on the treadmill, I hopped in the shower to clean up. As I was soaping up I felt pain and swelling in my armpit.

First thing that came to my mind was "lymph nodes! swollen lymph.....shit!". Every cancer patient knows that swollen lymph nodes are a huge concern. It is one of the first things to look for if you're a survivor and wondering if a relapse is occurring, starting to occur or sneaking up on you somehow.

I ran a hand over the site again. Yup, sore, swollen, painful, lymph pain. shit! shit! double shit!

It made me stop and think. What other signs might I have? What might I have missed?

And then it hit me...I had a blood draw literally two days previous. All the short term indicators were that most things were pretty okay. What the hell could this be?

I ran my hand over the site again.

And it hit me again---it wasn't technically lymphatic pain.

It was site pain.

From the chair massage I'd had the day before. The gal, who is usually quite good, knew I am having issues with my thumb and still have scar tissue from my old shoulder surgery. So she dug in HARD. Really hard. Hard enough I stopped her after she "fell off the edge" of some scar tissue because it hurt too much. She apologized, but the damage was done.

I had not applied an icepak after the chair massage. I merrily went on my way the rest of the day.

And the morning after, I woke up bruised and sore.

I'm not 20 anymore. I don't bounce easily.

I am certainly glad I have enough faculties left to remember the ooops on the chair massage, which begot the armpit pain, which begot a lot of fear in the shower at the gym. Otherwise I would probably be running to the doc to re-check the blood draw and anything else he could check to make sure of his findings. By the time his hard data came back, my armpit would be better and we would all wonder what happened.

This is what being a cancer survivor sometimes comes to. Your mind wanders into places that can raise a lot of fear. Sometimes, it is warranted. Sometimes, not so much.

This is why when one is NED, the fear is still there. There is no cure for melanoma, just ways to make it undetectable until it pops up again, maybe. Or maybe not. Thus, the panic when a warning sign pops up big.

The good news is, this time, it was just a panic, quickly resolved.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Space

2009-11-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

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I know I've posted this before...but it bears noting again...apparently the message has not gotten thru. Sarah Buxton says it well.

Say you want space
some time alone
to clear out your mind
really unwind
just be alone

things are movin too fast
goin too far
gettin too close
too close to the heart

and now you want space

well I'll give you space

plenty of space

all the space that you need

does it make you feel free
make you feel young
how does it feel
not to need anyone

you say you need space

I'll give you space

need your own bed
need your own room
well how bout an island
bet you can find one
on the dark side of the moon, yeah
and you won't have to feel
anything real
I won't be here
I'll just disappear

You can have space

honey I'll give you space
plenty of space
all the space that you need
does it make you feel free
make you feel young
how does it feel
to not need anyone

oh you say you need space
baby you can have space
go on
I'll give you

space
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Auden

2009-11-01T23:11:00.000-08:00

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Funeral Blues---W H Auden

Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,
Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,
Silence the pianos and with muffled drum
Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.

Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead
Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.
Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.

He was my North, my South, my East and West,
My working week and my Sunday rest,
My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.

The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,
Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,
Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;
For nothing now can ever come to any good.

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I was reminded today of this poem from Auden which was made more recently famous in the movie "4 Weddings and A Funeral". I vividly remember when I saw the movie, the weekend in between the late Tuesday night my mother died and the Monday we buried her. I don't even remember how it is we managed to go, or drag my father, but we went. To the little theater in the town I grew up in. It is an old-time theater, a space for a Wurlitzer and the pipes to go with it. The heavy curtains and gold leaf from "the olden days". The chairs that were often not the most comfy and occasionally hit you in a rather sensitive spot and squeaked at just the wrong moment in the movie. The musty smell of some place locked up in the dark all the time. But oh, what a beautiful place!

The movie, which we have seen a number of time in those 15+ years since, starts off with various iterations and intonations of one of my mother's favorite words, as people are late for the first wedding. Just that little tidbit made me cry, though at the time, I doubt it would have taken much for me to shed a tear. I did what I should, what I had planned on for so many years, to make the decision to stop the machines for my mother, whose death certificate would read cancer of the lungs as the cause of death, but we all stop living because we stop breathing. But this movie was an outlet. As much for me and J as it was for my father. Dad doesn't "Do" funerals. Ever since the time he was 19 and a classmate died and the uber-Catholic funeral with the wailing, sobbing mother of the dead boy sent him to tears, he hasn't done a funeral since. He needed a good excuse to cry in the dark. "4 Weddings and A Funeral" was a good place to do that in the grand old lady of a theater it was showing in.

The death and funeral portion of the movie was not the only difficult portion, but certainly not easy to manage. The emotions so raw for us, I don't think any one of us could stop crying if we tried. Hard for my father who had to let go of a woman he had loved at that point for more than 40 years. Despite their divorce, they still loved one another. They just could not manage to work up the courage to admit it and work it out. In the darkness of that theater, my father wept. He wept as hard as I saw him weep after the death of his own father a decade previous. But he still could not bring himself to be in the sanctuary for the funeral my cousin lead for my mother. He sat outside and waited for the casket to enter the hearse and the hearse to take leave. There were no policemen wearing black cotton gloves that day (though there were ones out writing parking tickets despite the funeral tags outside). It was a bright, shiny spring day, as if to taunt us with the happy sun.

The last sentences of each verse ring so true:
"...Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come...
Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves...
I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong...
For nothing now can ever come to any good."

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FB sux

2009-10-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

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For those of you here who know me on FB---if you're looking for me---apparently FB is having issues. I can't log in, the radio silence is not my choice. Perhaps they'll choose to let me back online into their little world.

But if they are going to shut off my account, would they at LEAST stop sending me email updates that I can't get to because I can't log into my FB account?!?!?

Oh well! I was planning on being busy elsewhere today anyway. Phlbbpppt!

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Email or something like it...

2009-10-20T21:54:00.000-07:00

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It was an innocent enough email. Sitting there in my inbox.

It made me take a quick breath when I saw the topic.

Not for fright factor, though this time of year, it would make sense that something frightful might be in my Inbox.

What made me take a breath was time.

Simple enough. But not really.

The topic was lifetime membership with an organization I have been associated with for more than 15 years.

Simple enough, right?

No matter how positive I am about my health and my outlook, the thought of committing to a lifetime membership makes me inhale, quickly.

Two years ago I would not have even considered a lifetime membership in anything. My outlook at the time was just staying alive (ok, bad BeeGees jokes abound) and what came next.

And now?

I want to believe that paying 20 times my annual membership fee will be worth it. That in 2029 I will still be alive. That I will be still able to use that membership. That the battle I have been fighting will be what...perhaps a bad memory?

But there is that spot, maybe it is the scar on my jawline, or the memory of chemo, or the deaths of several friends from melanoma that makes me doubt.

Just a little.

I don't know what I'm going to do---whether I'll pay my money and take my chances, betting on my hard headedness over genetics. Or whether I'll wait another year or more to bet on that lifetime membership being worthwhile.

I guess until I decide I'll keep breathing.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Anniversaries

2009-10-17T17:34:00.000-07:00

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A year.

According to the production of RENT we saw many years ago, that is 525,600 minutes.

525,600 minutes ago we were legally married in California.

Under our original chuppah sewn by our friend D for our Big Fat Jewish Wedding 4 years previous.

Surrounded by friends and some of J's family. It meant a lot to have her mother, her brother and sister-in-law attending our legal marriage.

We renewed our vows, our commitment, our love.

1 year of legal marriage.

5 years of Big Fat Jewish Wedded bliss.

7 Years, 2 months, 25 days since our California Domestic Partner Registry was signed.

18 years, 2 months, 28 days since we first committed to one another.

19 years 5 days since we first met.

Today, we celebrate all of these dates and everything in between.

I wish we had other reasons to have other anniversaries besides this and cancer remission.

We have been through many things together in those 19+ years. We have a lot to celebrate. We have a lot of losses and pain. We have had a lot of days of not much. A lot of days of drama. A lot of days of sickness, many days of health. A lot of days of togetherness.

We have held hands, hoping my cancer had waned. We have held hands near the sea, watching the waves come in and go out, contemplating what it all means.

We have survived my cancer, in all its variations for these past 3 years.

We have spent the last year with firsts---first time we kissed as a legally married couple, first time we attended services as a married couple, first time we made love as a legally married couple, first time we went out to dinner as a legally married couple. First time I had a blood draw as a legally married woman. First time I had a new cancer diagnosis as a married woman. First time we saw the ocean as a married couple.

Not our first firsts, but a new set of firsts.

I truthfully, never want to get married again. I love my wife. I would do it again, but I'd like to be more like str8 people and only have to get married ONCE to the same woman...except those who get divorced (ie 50% of str8s) like both sets of our parents.

In the last year, we have survived all this and more.

The world has not come to an end, unlike the threats posed by those in support of Prop 8. The cr@p that has happened to this country, this world started a long time before we were "granted" the ability to marry last year. Our staying committed to one another has not attacked the world's axis.

I am glad that my legally recognized wife in California can visit me in the hospital if need be, something I could not do 17 years ago when she went into anaphylactic shock and was taken to the ER---not allowed to see her until she was capable of asking for me, even at SF General Hospital.

I am glad my legally recognized wife in California can be there if she so chooses in the infusion room, should I need more infusions.

But what I would like is to be able to just live life, not worrying about whether a state we visit recognizes our marriage (GA does not, in fact, we COULD be arrested for staying in the same hotel room there).
A simple concept, something that str8 folks don't have to worry about.

I will admit, in our 19 years 5 days, a lot of progress has been made. I hope in the next 19 years 5 days significantly more progress is made.

In the mean time, we will continue to be happily married and continuing to make our contributions to this world, that we've continued to make over the 6945 days we have known one another.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Anne

2009-09-30T23:17:00.000-07:00

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Annie...Anne Morell Petrillo.

A girl I never met, but I knew her.

She grew up with my wife in a world far away it seems.

Recently thru the wonders of FB, the friends from childhood found one another again. J regaled their stories of old to me. She told me of the memories and catching up on the years since they'd last seen one another. The smiles and the laughter.

And the tears.

Annie and her sisters lived through hell 15 years ago.

But the collateral damage from a single incident can last a lifetime...or more.

When J emailed me with the info that Annie stopped her own pain, I was shocked. Not surprised. Shocked.

Shocked because I had hoped that despite history, life had gone on.

Life did go on.

On the evening after my wife had traded comments on FB with her, Annie ended her pain on the Tappan Zee.

The rest of the world continued on, just not for Anne.

In most cases I would be hurt and angry, but with Anne, I understand she had to stop her pain, it was too much to handle anymore. Anne tried for a long time to survive, but the gaping wound on her heart just could never close back up. There is still pain left behind, but she did what she needed to do. No one should argue anything other than that---no one other than her sisters could have a clue as to how she came to the edge of the Tappan Zee.

I hope Anne is playing with Smudge, sitting with her parents and able to smile again.

May her memory be for a blessing.

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What I Meant To Say

2009-09-16T22:10:00.000-07:00

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I have plenty to share tonight, but only a few things I'm up to printing here.

One is the passing of both Patrick Swayze and Mary Travers. Patrick fought a valiant fight with pancreatic cancer that we knew he would never win. Mary fought the battle with leukemia that she thought up until a short while ago, she was winning. All I can think about now is the line from Peter, Paul and Mary's "Puff the Magic Dragon"---"...a dragon lives forever, but not so little boys(girls)...". May their memories be for a blessing, they certainly were blessings here on Earth and those of us left behind have broken hearts like the dragon.

On another note--a friend sent me lyrics a few weeks ago to a new Daughtry song. He loved it so much because it conveys what he has felt at times with a friend who just walked away one day. It isn't particularly in the thinking of Elul, but it does describe some of the process. Sometimes we say things we don't mean to say, just to be polite because we "should". But in the meantime we are so very hurt and really should have said what we meant to say.

Powerful words and a lot of truths.

Running away doesn't solve the issue, it just makes the path of destruction bigger.

Sometimes, truth hurts.

Sometimes those who were in your past don't make it to your future, for a good reason.

What I Meant To Say--Daughtry

I woke up today sinkin' like the stones that you have thrown
Wounded by the same ole shots you take
It's easier to kick me when I'm low

And I just thought that you should know
I've been holding on while you've been letting go
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry but that's not what I meant to say

I'm strong enough to say
That I don't wanna take the high road now
So typical of you to walk away
When your perfect little world is burning down

And I just thought that you should know
I've been holding on while you've been letting go, can I be so bold?
'Cause all this sucking up to you is just getting old
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry, but that's not what I meant to say

What I really meant to say with every little breath I take
I'm not the only one who makes mistakes
Just think of all the ones you've made

And I just thought that you should know
I've been holding on while you've been letting go, can I be so bold?
'Cause all this sucking up to you is just getting old
Well, it's not too late to say it right this time
'Cause I know I said I'm sorry, but that's not what I meant to say

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

2009-09-13T20:46:00.000-07:00

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A heartfelt shoutout to those who gave blood at our blood drive today. As someone who has more than my fair share of whole blood or platelets over the last few years, I appreciate it with my entire being. My last bag was just last Friday and there are plenty of other people out there who need blood product as much, or more than I. THANK YOU. THANK YOU. THANK YOU!

Weird weather day---cool and overcast to get up. Sunny and humid for a while and then cool, overcast and windy with some spritz. Just Thursday it was pushing towards 100F. Am happy to see the coolness seeping in. Our trip over the hill must have helped to bring some of the cool weather with us---at one point, we couldn't see the ocean that we could hear---the fog was soooo thick. It was as if it were snowing at point it was sooooo cool and the mist so thick.

A good day today as well in terms of football---the 49ers won, barely. The Bears JUST lost to the Packers---Cutler gave it away to the Pack. About now, Denver is bobbing their heads understanding why the "let" Cutler go.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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An Elul Reminder

2009-09-02T21:44:00.000-07:00

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Just because you meant no harm doesn't mean you didn't do any.

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Not Entirely What I Planned...

2009-08-30T22:44:00.001-07:00

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I had a couple of posts to share, but I've saved them to post another day.

Literally as I was about log in to blogger my IM chat box popped up. A friend whom I'd been thinking of checked in. I was thinking of her because I knew she was going to the doc and had not been feeling well of late. She's got late stage breast cancer, has had it for a number of years. It came back. We knew that. But what she typed this evening had me catch my breathe.

Liver mets.

Sh!t!

Sh!t, Sh!t, Sh!t!!!

It is one thing I like about being online---you can fall apart and type and still support a friend.

My only distraction was wiping away tears fast enough so they wouldn't soak the keyboard. And making sure she knew I was supporting her.

It is a lonely place to be, getting in to talk to an oncologist who is booked a month in advance at least---and getting to see them Tuesday, instead of next month. It is one line you don't want to be at the head of.

She is tough. She has been tough. If anyone can beat this, she will. They gave her a chance---chemo is an option. If things were terribly dire, they'd just send her home with more meds.

So I'm taking that hope and running with it. But I suspect she'll need some big help.

If you're so inclined, prayers or thoughts for Sarah, please.

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Teddy

2009-08-25T22:54:00.000-07:00

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Senator Edward Moore Kennedy.

May he rest in peace and may his memory be for a blessing.

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Now For Something Completely Different...

2009-08-24T23:22:00.000-07:00

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And now for something completely different.

TMI Tuesday

1. Do you have "your" side of the bed? Which side?

I think I've answered this before. If I'm on my back, my right arm is on the edge of the bed, unless I'm standing on my head in which case...oh, wait, nevermind, oversharing!

2. How old is your pillow and what condition is it in?

about 3 months and excellent, I replace them every 3-6 months---as opposed to some folks I know who are working on 20+ year old pillows...ew! Just mentioning bed bugs, dust mites, dust and other critters.

3. What is your favorite position to sleep in?

Oooh, a client had a bazillion thread count Egyptian cotton sheets, with a foam pillow top bed that you just SANK into. Didn't matter WHICH position you were in, you snoozed like a baby. I LOVE gay men with plenty of money to buy the finest furniture to pamper themselves with!

Other than that, if it were not for my snoring, I'd sleep perfectly on my back, with knees properly propped up. Instead, I prop with pillows tucked here and there and sleep on my side.

4. How often do you change your sheets?

once a week, unless a client comes home sooner.

5. What helps you fall asleep when insomnia strikes?

reading usually, but surfing what channels are NOT infomercials on the TV usually puts me right out.

6. Does sex make you sleepy or energized?

yes. depends on what we do to get there.

7. What is the minimum amount of sleep that you need to be functional the next day.

Some. I've always been the type to need a good 6-8 hours or I'm useless. Staying up to study would do my no good because I'd be punch drunk in the morning if I
stayed up late.

Bonus:Describe your most vivid dream.

It was vivid!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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They Say It's My Birthday.....

2009-08-21T08:28:00.000-07:00

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I awoke this morning to my sweetie snoring. Yup. Snoring. The alarm went off a bit after that. Once she figured out her surroundings a bit she started singing various renditions of "Happy Birthday" to me, including something rivaling Ethel Merman's vibrato. I had a good time smiling listening to her and noticing it was a bit overcast outside. It was nice and cool outside so we could snuggle under the covers comfortably. A nice way to start the day!

This year is not a major year in terms of number. Just another year. Though I suppose there is nothing quite as blase' about it as that. I am alive. That is more than some can say.

I don't have any major plans for today. We have services tonight, so a lengthy dinner out won't do, though we do have plans tomorrow. And like any good Leo, people have been taking me out for my birthday all week, sending me cards and emails, FB posts and the like. Why limit yourself to just ONE day of celebration? ;-) Yes, despite all the Virgo tendencies I have, I do have some Leo traits too.

What I do plan to do is take some time for me and do at least one thing I want to do today. Some years it has been to stop and smell the roses. Some years it has been riding on roller coasters. Some years, a trip to the ocean. Occasionally, just reading a book I want to read. A little acknowledgment that it is my day and I get to do whatever I want, at least for a little bit.

They say it's my birthdaaaaay!

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My Tuesdays

2009-08-18T09:01:00.000-07:00

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A number of fellow bloggers have shut down their blogs in recent days. Some, because they have been getting hatred and vitriol from lurkers out in the universe that they just can no longer deal with. I've had those folks attempt to post comments to my blog, which is why ALL comments are moderated. If you comment with my real name, or anger---your comment will not be posted. Period. A few other bloggers have just decided that the reason behind the existence of their blog is no longer needed (that's my aim here). Still some have found other pursuits and they feel they can no longer devote time to their blog they feel is necessary to be true to their readers.

I have continued this blog because the fight with melanoma is not one that just goes away. Side effects of treatment and continuing worry that the melanoma or something akin to it is back plague melanoma patients nearly forever. My original goal was to have this blog be a place for me to vent about the disease, the treatment and my life around it, as well as being a resource for other melanoma patients and their families and friends. It has taught me a lot, brought new friends into my life and shown me that some people, despite their words of support, their actions have been to run away. Perhaps from the cancer. Perhaps from the thought of losing me. Perhaps because they don't want another struggle with cancer in their lives so it is easier to turn away. Some just didn't belong here in the first place and some just don't know how to listen to what other people say.

Of late, I know I've posted more memes or family links than I have about my medical situation. Some of you know I have had some medical trials of late---but I have not exactly been up to posting the details. It is not melanoma, but it is serious. I have struggled with the details of dealing with the issues in front of me. It appears things are ok and my aim of dying a "dirty old woman", chasing nurses with my wheelchair and cane and pinching their tuchis' are still in my future.

But I am going in for a scan later today and another blood draw to check the progress of things as they are. There are always nerves around such procedures. The "what if's" come around all to easily and remind me that there is still a question in my oncologist's mind, which is why we are doing the tests.

I do have a bit of a giggle though. A fellow congregant and cancer patient and I were talking a few weeks ago. I have a thing going on with my thumb and a few other minor things irritating me. The congregant said he was battling a knee problem too and that amazingly enough, even though we are cancer patients the rest of life does go on and all the things these old bodies would be experiencing, continue to happen, even though we are cancer patients. We don't get a "pass" card to avoid the aching knees, the sore shoulder or the ankle that just isn't making that walk around the block any easier. We are aging. It is a good thing considering the alternative. But it does sometimes suck that with all we are dealing with as cancer patients, it would be NICE if G-d were to ensure we did not have something else to worry about. Though, one friend says---you know, when my knee hurts, I forget a little about the nausea, so I suppose G-d has an idea in there somewhere!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Chemo Brain

2009-08-12T15:52:00.000-07:00

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A friend posted on her blog about Chemo Brain. It is something not always talked about by medical staff BEFORE chemo begins. Sometimes they just don't talk about it because the chemo is required and side effects will happen, you just roll with it the best you can. I know the doc ordering the chemo I was on did NOT tell me I might get the foggy brain syndrome known affectionately as chemo brain. He said there might be some side effects and left it at that after explaining a few physical things that did come to fruition. Truth is, even if you are months past your last infusion, you can still be hit with the inability to access words in your mind that you KNOW you know!

Just the other day I was trying to talk about a printer. You know, those things you have on your desk to produce documents, spit out paper with ink on them, made by...damn, what is that company I own stock in that makes those things? ARGH!

In the article I've listed below, a lot of the suggestions work for brain injuries and dementia issues. Which makes anyone on (or formerly on) chemo a little nervous. You're telling me things that apply to people who have been bonked on the head (oh, wait, I was bonked on the head, more than once...hmm).

So if you are talking with me and I'm circling around, trying to find a word, understand, I'm doing the best I can with what I've got. Chemo brain sucks. Coping with it sucks. But curling up and doing nothing, as an excuse because of chemo brain, is just NOT an option for me.

Link to the NYT Article on Chemo Brain

I have added the article below because a) the link might stop working at some point and b) because I might forget where I put it.

===BOF===
August 11, 2009
Personal Health
Taking Steps to Cope With Chemo Brain
By JANE E. BRODY

Cancer can be a life-changing experience, both physically and mentally. And when cancer treatment delivers a knockout punch to cognitive abilities, patients with the resulting “chemo brain” often face major challenges trying to get their lives back on track.

But those who recognize the cognitive effects of toxic cancer drugs, adjust their schedules and learn to compensate for what are usually temporary limitations have an easier time returning to a productive life.

Barbara D. Wick of Chicago, for example, was working part time as an insurance consultant and serving on several not-for-profit boards while receiving chemotherapy for ovarian cancer. It was suddenly a challenge for her to deal with the complex problems presented by her professional and volunteer activities.

“I found it difficult to deal with more than one factor at a time and scary to have to think on my feet,” she said. “And I couldn’t trust my memory.”

She continued working but stopped taking new clients and transferred a difficult account to someone else. Helped by a support group, Mrs. Wick adopted new ways to handle professional and personal demands.

“I learned coping techniques that are not really different from those that would be used for people with memory loss,” she said in an interview. “I write everything down immediately, including appointments, doctors’ comments, ideas of things to do, plans and promises I’ve made. This gives me something to go back to, and using more than one modality — listening and writing — reinforces my ability to remember the information.”

She said she also became a “list addict.”“At night, I make a list of what I have to do and where I have to be the next day,” she said. “I’ve become religious about always putting things back in the same place — keys, cellphone, scissors, bills, everything. I pay bills on the same date and I double-check and proof everything, sometimes twice.”

Strategies for Staying on Track

The symptoms of chemo brain — commonly mental fogginess that can cause problems with memory, concentration, word retrieval, number processing, following instructions and multitasking — are widely known. And the effects, the causes of which are still unclear, are sometimes long-lasting.

In an excellent new book, “Your Brain After Chemo,” Dr. Daniel H. Silverman and Idelle Davidson quote a 52-year-old woman who was treated four years ago with drugs and radiation for breast cancer:

“Ever since I got lost in the shopping mall garage and couldn’t find my car, I always write down the level number and color code, etc., on the back of my parking ticket,” she told the authors. “And I always place parking tickets in the same section of my purse so I know where to find them. For extra measure, I’ll play a word game. If I’m parked on B1, for example, I’ll make up a cue like: Be one with the universe.”

Dr. Silverman, a leading researcher in the field, and Ms. Davidson, a health journalist and former cancer patient, offer a long list of suggestions to help people who are struggling with the cognitive effects of chemotherapy. Even though I don’t have chemo brain, several of their tips already help me keep track of a complex life despite an aging memory. And while I’m not yet ready to buy a personal digital assistant, I plan to adopt several other strategies.

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Prioritize. Because multitasking can be overwhelming to people with chemo brain, it helps to list tasks in order of their priority and concentrate on one at a time.

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Develop routines. Prepare the night before for the next day. Review your calendar, lay out clothes, pack your briefcase, perhaps even set up breakfast and prepare a brown-bag lunch. Take medications and exercise at the same time each day.

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Rehearse. On the way to a meeting where you will have to be on top of your game, visualize the room or the people who will be there and practice what you will say.

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Use word associations or rhymes. Maybe Harry has lots of hair and Mrs. Gold lots of money. Perhaps your daughter-in-law’s birth date is 2-4-68 or the combination on your gym lock is 2 (times) 6 (equals) 12.

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Rely on more than one sense. Try to link people and places with their scents, tastes, textures or unusual characteristics. Maybe Henry always wears a hat, or Rose’s front door is red.

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Use a notebook to record information. My surroundings are covered with sticky notes, and I search frantically for something I know I wrote down somewhere. The authors suggest a single notebook so that everything is in one place, and dating the pages as you use them. They say, “This frees your desk and your mind from clutter.”

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Post a checklist by the front door. Leave yourself a note of things to remember when you are going out — keys, wallet, walk the dog, close the windows, turn off the hose, check the faucets, lock the door.

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Write phone numbers on your phones. It doesn’t take chemo brain to forget a phone number, and I’ve noticed that many people don’t know their own cellphone number. Program as many contacts as you can into your cellphone, and keep a list of frequently dialed numbers next to your landline.

•

Use a day planner. Write down all appointments immediately, with times, places and contact phone numbers. If you spend most of the day at a computer, you can use the calendar feature that alerts you to appointments. As a backup, I record things on a wall calendar and keep a paper tickle file, but this works well only if you check it regularly.

•

Leave messages for yourself. If you have voice mail or an answering machine, you can use it to remind yourself of appointments or tasks you have to do. But again, this works only if you check it regularly.

•

Timers can be lifesavers. I never put anything on the stove, in the oven or on the grill without setting a timer to warn me when to turn the heat down or off. I also have several 24-hour timers that I use as a wake-up alarm and to remind me when to move the car, pick up the grandchildren at school or put the laundry in the dryer.

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Get adequate rest. Even without chemo brain, fatigue is a memory destroyer. Don’t skimp on sleep, and when you feel your brain dragging, take a 20-minute nap. Stress impairs brain function, so practicing relaxation techniques like meditation and yoga can be very helpful as well.

Let Others Help

Finally, don’t bite off more than you can chew. Until and unless your brain recovers fully, simplify your life. Follow Mrs. Wick’s example if you can and reduce your workload or your hours. Perhaps even take a vacation or a leave of absence. Less work done well is better than a lot done poorly.

If those options seem like luxuries you cannot afford because you need to work, this is the time to rely on friends and family. Delegate chores. Say yes to people who offer to cook meals. Tell family members, especially, what coping tips you’re using so they don’t inadvertently derail your efforts. In as many ways as possible, give yourself a break.
===EOF===

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Grandpa

2009-08-10T09:24:00.000-07:00

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105 years ago this morning, my Grandpa made his debut. He did not have the easiest of lives and there are parts of his life we may never totally know the truth about.

What I do know is I was originally supposed to be born on his birthday. Ever since I missed that mark, Grandpa and I had a connection. He once told me it was ok I was born 2 weeks later---that way we could both have our own special day. But we were both Leos...strong headed and proud.

I remember him as a man with a sense of humor, intelligence and careful, thoughtful commentary. I like to think he was one of the reasons I have a sense of humor. We would giggle together, but we couldn't tell the rest of the world "the joke".

When I was about 12, he had a massive stroke. I was snuck into the hospital, the nurses told I was 14, the legal age to visit. When I walked into his room, he spotted me and I thought he was having some conniption fit. Scared the daylights out of me. Turns out he knew what the legal age was for visitation and KNEW I did not meet the regulations---and was trying to voice his objection to the violation of the hospital rules. What I remember after that was that his crew cut had greyed (apparently the hospital wouldn't apply Grecian formula for him, his face was sort of lopsided and he had trouble talking. But it was still Grandpa. Once he was home, I was sent to take him for his therapy walks. They allowed my father and grandmother the chance to talk without either of us being in the house. It also allowed me to spend some time with Grandpa. We would talk while we gimped along the sidewalk. I was able to understand Grandpa, even when other struggled. I think I could get his idea without needing to totally understand the words he was trying to form. We had a great time talking about all the things we always talked about, just at a slower pace.

The one thing I will never forget was that Grandpa ALWAYS tried to con me into picking up Grandmas car keys so we could go out for a spin. Despite the fact that the stroke affected his right side, Grandpa was SURE he could still drive. He wanted to prove it, but no one would give him a chance to prove it. I once grabbed the keys---he claimed to want to get something out of the trunk, then tried to slip behind the wheel. I admonished him for tricking me. He smiled. I told him I'd let him start the 1970 4 door Cadillac, but we were NOT going to be going anywhere. He agreed. I could see the look in his eyes. He just wanted the freedom he once enjoyed behind the wheel. Like a 15 year old boy drooling while sitting behind the wheel of a Porsche, thinking of all he could do while zooming around. Grandpa sat there, dreaming of how he could get away from his infirmity. I let him sit and dream about taking another trip in the car and lied to Dad and Grandma later about how far I had walked him. It was more important to let him dream than walk around outside.

When I obtained my learner's permit to drive, he was even more happy to see me when we would arrive. He would again attempt to get me to pick up Grandma's keys. He explained he could give me a driving lesson---he was over 25, an adult and thus, we could go out in the car. I explained I had to have an adult with me who was fully capable of driving. He appreciated that like him, I was a stickler for the rules (despite the hospital visit). He was less than thrilled that I wouldn't take him out for a ride. Once, I did take the keys and took him out in the parking lot. We tooled around a bit, but nothing too exciting. We never went out on the real roads, but it was as if we were joyriding. The smile on his face was beyond description. Like a dog with his head stuck out the window on the freeway, he was at peace. He gave me some instruction on how to properly drive, but mostly he just enjoyed his concept of driving had trickled down to me. Ear-to-ear grin was an understatement.

Ironically, he died two days before my 16th birthday. He lasted until his 80th birthday and that was about it. I had planned on driving down to surprise him once I obtained my license. Take him out for a spin with my legal license, give Grandma a little break and let him enjoy the ride. I never got the chance. To this day I still think of him sitting next to me in that Cadillac, smiling.

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Happy Birthday Sweetie

2009-08-09T15:38:00.000-07:00

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Just a quick note for a special day.

The wife has a birthday today. We're heading out for a special dinner after letting her sleep in realllly late, hitting the farmer's market and dinner tonight. Looking forward to it.

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On Any Given Rainy Morning in August

2009-08-06T10:33:00.000-07:00

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Watching the rain fall this morning was beautiful. It looks to be one of those days where you just don't know what the weather will bring until you're in it. I certainly am enjoying it being less than 100F and the rain is an added bonus.

Another one of those question days...a few answers and an either/or style at the end.

If, like a product, your behavior came with a guarantee, what could you honestly guarantee about yourself?

Loyalty, trust, reliability, witty and that if you tell me something in confidence, it WILL NOT go anywhere else, no matter what someone threatened or did to me. It was one of the things the Navy REALLY wanted me for combat---I could hold up to a myriad of torture and I still would not talk. No. Matter. What.

Have you ever flown First Class?

yes, the night I flew to LA to turn off my mother's life support machines. It was the only seat left. It cost $77 one way, why I remember that, I don't know--any more than why it is I remember that 9th grade gym locker combination still.

You’ve been given 3 parachutes, but there are 4 people who need them. Who will you not give one to: Jon Gosselin, Kate Gosselin, Heidi Montag or Spencer Pratt?

uhm, I had to look up who some of these people were...but strap the parachutes all to me and leave the rest? Oh, I have to choose one to leave behind? I'd probably save Kate and leave the rest...all those kids without a mom? The others...eh.

If you had to could you be an outdoor window washer on a really super tall building?

Well, if I had no choice, yes. I'd need a change of pants and a bottle of something when I was done, but I'd get it done. But given a choice to do it or not...the answer is NO FREEKING WAY.

Either or?

Pink or blue?

depends on the day

Oranges or grapefruit?

oranges, my godmother used to have grapefruit served every morning and as a youngster, that was a bit bitter for me to manage. Even Monk, the St Bernard wouldn't eat it.

Rock or country?

country most of the time

Flats or heels?

LOL..flats

Late night or early morning?

early morning, though my wife has taught me how to stay up late.

Coke or Pepsi?

Diet Coke, regular Pepsi, not the other way around

Roses or Carnations?

Roses, unless I want to think about my granddaddy

Full body massage or a facial?

full body massage!!!!!

Blueberries or raspberries?

ooh, uhm, both? probably blueberries...they are less fuzzy and fruit just shouldn't be fuzzy---yes, this would be the spectrum issues showing through!

Would you rather be trapped in an episode of SpongeBob SquarePants or an episode of Scooby Doo?

Scooby Doo, where are you!?!

Days of Our Lives or General Hospital?

Back in the day---General Hospital when Luke & Laura were getting married; after that, DooL, though it has been sooo long since I've actually seen DOOL, I probably would be lost!

Do you wear your watch on your left or right hand?

neither, I wear mine on my right *wrist*!

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Hey!

2009-07-30T18:32:00.001-07:00

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HEY!

Look over here
<<<<<<----------------------------------------------------------

well, ok, maybe it's a little up from there. My ability to code what it is that will give a big splash to point EXACTLY to the spot is limited with blogger.

Notice Megan's Fund? At the moment it sits at 32%. The good news is, offline donations are up to about 95%.

If you haven't donated a little something yet, please consider doing so soon, let's make that 100% goal!

It'll make you feel good and will help someone who needs just a bit of help from folks just like you.

A heartfelt thank you, from me and from Megan and her family.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Eighteen Years Ago Today

2009-07-20T00:01:00.000-07:00

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Eighteen years ago today, we committed to one another for life.

Since then, we have had four other weddings or commitments to one another. Seems we have to collect them, but that's survivable.

Some days, it feels as if it were just yesterday someone kissed me and ran into her house and changed our "just friends, no really, just friends" to much more.

Some days, I keep thinking it MUST have been more than 18 years---we've crammed a lot into it.

We have had our ups and downs, wonderful celebrations and sadly said goodbye to a lot of people we loved.

Through it all, we have been there for each other.

More than one friend has said "I can't imagine you two being with anyone else". I have to agree. While there are days and moments
I think we could both take it or leave it (who hasn't?), in the end, we could not think of being with others.

During services Friday night while friends were receiving a blessing for their wedding anniversary, we held hands and listened intently. While we were not on the bimah for our own blessing, we celebrated one another anyway.

I can honestly say I am married to my best friend, which makes life so much more pleasant.

Happy Chai dear.

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Boys Abound

2009-07-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

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Another baby boy was born to congregant friends the other day. And a childhood friend is having a baby boy tomorrow. Apparently, the boys are ruling this July.

In that theme, a friend who is a boy sent me this...and I'm sharing.

What is your favorite gemstone?

Diamonds ARE a girls best friend

What are your top two skills or talents?

The packing gene
attention to detail

Glasses or contact lenses?

glasses. I tried contacts years ago, I suck at putting my fingers in my own eye on purpose

If you started a band, what would you name it? Would you be the lead singer?

I did start a band, many, many years ago. We were called The Oddballs. G-d no on the lead.

Have you ever had to have stitches?

yup, Left hand, fingers on left hand, Right shoulder, right jawline, left eye, both knees, right elbow, right lumbar, right side of my neck...think that's it.

If you were given 20 acres of land and the money to develop it however you chose, what would you do with it?

I would probably build enough on it to house us and the friends who need a place to live and then either leave the rest of it
for natural uses, or farm it somehow.

Do utilize your Snooze Button?

no, I just set several alarms on the phone. My wife is a bad influence. Before we were married I was up with the first alarm, ready to go.

Have you been to overnight summer camp?

Yup, starting with Camp River Glen when I was 8 and a host of other Girl Scout camps

What is your ideal outdoor temperature?

Something around 65F.

Have you ever been to the Statue of Liberty?

yup, all the way up to her crown on a day in June 1983...I swear was the hottest, most humid on earth.

You’ve been invited to jello wrestle anyone in the world. Who are you going to wrestle? And who will win?

heh-heh, that would invole sharing a fantasy and with whom. Noooope. There would be no real loser in this situation. :-)

What’s the largest amount of money that you’ve ever held in your hands? (Cash or check, you decide)

Cash, about $500,000; check $4M, neither of which were mine, I worked for a bank.

Hot fudge sundae or chocolate cake?

ooooh, tough choice---probably because it is summer, I'd say sundae.

If you had to could you drive a motorcycle?

I could and have.

When is the last time you tried something new? What was it and how did it go?

A few nights ago...with the wife, not sharing WHAT but it was very nice.

Sex & the City, Weeds, Soprano’s, or Entourage? You only get to pick one.

Have only seen S&C and Sopranos...so it'd be one of those.

What is the number that comes right before infinity? Where, exactly, is the middle of nowhere?

nearly infinity; and I've been to the middle of nowhere---I think it's outside of Newberry Springs, my uncle used to live there.

What is one item that you own that has minimal monetary value, but has such sentimental value that you wouldn’t sell it for any amount of money?

the rainbow scarf Nane made

You can only get one: manicure or pedicure?

manicure, I've had but one massage therapist who has been able to do anything to my feet.

Thick crust, thin crust, or hand tossed?

hand tossed, thin crust

Banana split or banana cream pie?

Split

Are you ever the first one up in the morning? How do you spend your time while the rest of the house is still asleep?

I usually am the first one up. Once I'm awake, I'm usually up. Given the option, tend to the garden, take photos, sometimes just sitting
on a porch sipping a drink, watching the morning develop.

Do you have one of those little compasses on the dashboard in your car?

not on the dashboard, but suction cupped to the window behind my rear view mirror. I rarely need it, but it is homage to my
Grandpa who did have one of those big honkin ones perched on the dash.

What is the most bizarre thing you’ve done on a dare?

run naked thru the pro shop and first tee of a certain golf course

Do you have a Will? Have you ever been included in someone else’s Will?

yes and yes

If you find a spider in your house do you kill it or move it outdoors?

As I did the other day, I call for the wife and remind her of our marriage vows---she promised to defend me against spiders!

Are you a chirpy, cheery “Good Morning” person or are you a grouch in the morning?

I am a morning person, usually. I'm not always cheery, but I usually function quite well.

Can you keep a secret or do you blab everything you know?

Locked tight.

What (if anything) do you wear to sleep?

tank top or tshirt and boxers

If money was no object, what would you change or have done to your home?

I'd have one.

So what about you … were you a tomboy growing up? Or a girlie-girl? What about now?

Duur. Tomboy and some things never change.

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Welcome To The World Little Boy

2009-07-13T18:37:00.001-07:00

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A shout out to S and her daughter C---this afternoon little J.A. was born a month early. 6 pounds 4 ounces, 20 inches long. Mommy's eyes. Daddy's dimples. Bubbie is overjoyed. All are well. He's darn cute at just moments old:

As for me, I hit the gym today for the first time in months due to the kibosh from the oncologist. Even though I took it easy I'm not sure I'll be able to move tomorrow. I hope little J.A. feels betters than I do tomorrow---he had a tough road to travel and am sure he could use a lot of cuddling to make it all better!

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ThumbThing and Travel

2009-07-12T21:30:00.000-07:00

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We spent a lovely Shabbat in HMB, sharing it with friends. Missing one friend, but she had to go pick up a kid a camp---sometimes, parenting over rides Shabbat. That is how it should be. If y'all are FB friends, you've seen the pics of our trip to HMB. I'll try to load a few of them here too, but it takes a boatload longer to load here, so it is tougher to share. What I can say is that we had some lovely time to relax, revel in Shabbat and just "be". That is more healing than I can begin to describe. I also had the supreme joy of singing with another baritone who knows what he is doing---I REALLY enjoy that. Thanks J.

As for the thumbthing update some of you keep asking about. The thumb is still doing its thing. We've narrowed it down to a shoulder or neck problem, which is reflecting into my thumb. If the chiro, massage and splinting work doesn't clear it up soon, we'll aim for the acupuncturist. Failing that, we'll try an orthopod. My last resort is going to be surgery. This is supposed to be my "good" thumb. Right now it'd be good for hitchhiking, "like this" on FB, holding a set of keys and imitating the sound and reflection of a turn indicator stalk in your vehicle. Clunk, clunk, clunk.

One aside, please say a little prayer for my friend S's daughter C tonight. Her water broke and hopefully some time soon S's grandson will be born, nice and healthy. He'll be a month early, so prayers would be useful.

Just so I don't bore you to death with a little info...a friend sent this to entertain you:

Me, A-Z

A - Age: over 40 now

B - Bed size: queen

C - Chore you dislike: cleaning toilets

D - Dog's name: pick one of our hundred or so pups

E - Essential start your day item: something for breakfast and some water

F - Favorite color(s): purple

G - Gold or Silver: gold

H - Height: 5'6"

I - Instruments you play: have played piano, guitar, drums, trumpet, saxophone, flute, trombone, clarinet, kazoo, french horn and badly at the violin

J - Job title: COO

K - Kid(s): other than my wife?

L - Living arrangements: I am living, I plan to keep that arrangement

M - Mom: dead

N - Nicknames: Tree

O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: plenty when I was around 2 and then 20 years ago when I had my shoulder reconstruction

P - Pet Peeve – people afraid of their own shadow and "helpless" women who need someone to help them do everything, including pee or get off the pot.

Q - Quote from a movie:
from Torch Song Trilogy:
"...G-D...
I have taught myself to sew, cook, fix plumbing.
I can even pat myself on the back when necessary
So I don't have to ask anyone for anything.
There's nothing I need from anyone
Except for love and respect.
Anyone who can't give me those two things
Has no place in my life.
You're my mother.
I Love You.
I do, but...
If you can't respect me,
You've got no business being here..."

R - Right or left handed: Yes, born lefty, forced to be a righty and I'm overcoming that the best I can

S - Siblings: juuuust me

T - Time you wake up: seriously depends on the day

U - Underwear: boxer briefs

V - Vegetable you dislike: lima beans

W - Workout style: lifting and treadmill

X - X-rays you've had: there is not a spot on my body that has not had an X-ray at some point in my life

Y - Yesterday's best moment: Shabbat morning with a small group of friends and having another baritone who knows what he's doing to
play off of, instead of having to lead.

Z - Zoo favorite: zebras

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Twenty Years Ago Today

2009-07-11T15:24:00.000-07:00

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Twenty years ago at this hour, I was wheeling out of the recovery room in a hospital on the westside of LA.

I had been in the room for 1/2 hour according to the nurse I asked. I was nearly beside myself. I was in pain and the big guy next to me was moaning like someone had cut off his leg without any anesthesia. The surgeon has told me I would have to be in recovery for at least an hour post-op, so I was miserable, thinking I would have to be there another 1/2 hour. Amazingly enough the nurse managed to get me released early to my room.

I spent the time in the recovery room trying to figure out who the kidster was in surgery. I had my Bankart procedure and it seemed someone had taped my fingers down and glued them together. In reality, the surgeon had done his job and this was recovery. They had cut through all my muscles, all my ligaments and tendons in my shoulder---and this was the result. I could not even wiggle my fingers off my stomach. The only impediement really was the betadine wash they had splashed all over me. That minor stickiness was keeping my fingers still.

A while after they deposited me in my room, they brought around dinner. Despite having not eaten since midnight, I was in no space to put anything down my throat. Two fish dinners sitting there that I think my father ate part of and tried to shove at least some jello down my throat. The nurses tried to encourage me to eat as well. This later would become somewhat humorous because after I tossed my cookies all over the place, they refused to let me eat, even when I was hungry.

One of the things I *DO* remember is the All-Star game being played the next night. Mark McGwire and several other A's players running around as the "Bash Brothers", bashing forearms and shoulders. I had to have my friend turn off the TV because even the vision of the guys bashing arms hurt my delicate shoulder so much I couldn't stand it.

http://thirdgenobsolete.blogspot.com/2007/07/good-jewish-number.html is reference back to another post on this.

In some respects it does not seem like 20 years ago. A part of me thinks I am still 20-something, in college and ready to put on my
glove and take my space out at 3rd or behind the plate. I think that part of me will never die. I do however, think it is somewhat ironic that on this 20th anniversary, I am having shoulder issues that may in fact, be connected to that original injury, that surgery and the ensuing 20 years of use. This is one reason I suspect G-d has a sense of humor, wicked at times.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Nooo, not another....

2009-07-09T00:31:00.000-07:00

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A little TMI for you

1. Where was the first place you ever had sex?

In a bed!

2. How often do you lie?

I lie down every night to go to bed...don't you?

3. If you could only be one, would you rather be smart or good looking?

What, I'm not both right now? I'd always go for smart, you can make fake pretty, but fake smart is quite a trick.

4. Have you ever passed out or suffered memory loss from drinking too much?

D'whaat was the question?

Actually, no. I remember only too well.

5. Top or bottom?

I have not topped anyone in over 19 years. Incidentally, I've known J for 19+ years...humnnn.

Bonus: Do you have any catalogs for toys/videos/lingere delivered to your home?

I don't *have* them delivered...but things do arrive, just like SPAM in my inbox.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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Cute

2009-07-09T00:21:00.000-07:00

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Now that we all managed to survive 12:34:56 on 07/08/09 about as well as we did when my friend Lisa Lizardi celebrated her birthday on 7/7/77...we can move on, right?

Am taking care of some furry ones who are just loves. How can you be upset with these:

Milo pretending to be butch:

Oscar pretending he's not growling at me:

A little sunset out the front door, I understand why the guys live here:

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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Two Lights

2009-07-05T00:01:00.000-07:00

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As I lit a candle last night, right beside one I lit the night before, I remembered two pint sized women who were integral to my life.

The first was for M a woman who helped me through some tough times in my life. She was a small woman, but would lock on and not let go until she got what she wanted. She had not felt well for some time before she died, but the tough woman she was, she motored on through things. Apparently, seven years ago on the 4th, she felt ill enough they took her to the hospital and by that evening, she was dead. Pancreatic cancer. She had been a smoker many, many, many moons before, and it caught up with her. The one thing I remember from her funeral was her sister stating "Dying was not in her DayRunner, so this HAS to be a mistake, because nothing happened that was not in her DayPlanner!". It was true, as long as she had it listed, M did it. We checked and checked, and could not find "go to hospital and die" on any day on her calendar. I miss M, the tenacity, the way she rolled her r's, the way she always wanted to know what kind of food that appeared in my dreams, or how she rarely, if ever swore, but certainly had some choice words for my father that would make a sailor blush. I wish she had been here to see things, to talk me through these last three years of struggles and triumphs, to see J & I get married and married again and soon celebrate 18 years together. What I do know is that she is still running around with me every day, a friend I will never forget. A part of her will always be with me.

The second candle was for my Grandma. Four years ago she took leave of us after 99 years of living. To this day I STILL believe that she heard of Grammie's passing in early June and said "ok, well, I've outlived her, I can go now!". She "won" the best grandmother "contest" by living longer. I laugh, but you know, once you make it to 99, something like that can move you to live a little longer or finally have permission to go. I miss her laughter. I miss her matter-of-fact attitude of "I'm older than everyone, shush!". I keep her alive in me as well---finding her words coming from my mouth sometimes---and I smile. I wish she could have seen any of our weddings as well. When I came out to her all she cared about was who wore the pants in the family---i.e. who controlled the money. Not anything to worry about my orientation. I miss that honesty and love.

With both women, I heard of their deaths on July 6, years apart. They are connected, with me, and continue to live on in me. I hope they are proud of that fact.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

IT'S A BOY!

2009-06-27T19:41:00.000-07:00

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A big Mazel Tov to new proud parent friends of ours!

Nicholas Russell was finally born, 7lbs, 1 oz.

Mom, baby and Daddy are doing well.

Bentley, the 4 legged older "brother" is happy to hear the news---lots of wags!

May Nicholas Russell learn and grow to be everything the grandfather he was named after was while he was still on this earth and then some.

I just LOVE having GOOD news to report!
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Threes

2009-06-26T08:09:00.001-07:00

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Things do come in threes.

Last week, Ed McMahon died and in the same breath, the announcer mentioned that Walter Cronkite was gravely ill. My heart skipped a beat. I met Ed years ago, he was pretty full of himself, but he was playing the part of celebrity, so it did not surprise me much he was kinda of pompous. Other friends have said he was a genuinely nice guy . "Uncle Walty" has a place in my heart, from re-running the Kennedy assassination tapes and his wiping of his eyes, to the film he did with my mother. I said some prayers in hopes he would not be in pain. I assumed that the rounding of the third celebrity would be someone else in the elder category as well.

Then yesterday hit.

I was coming back from a client meet when I heard the news about Farrah. We knew she had been ill, it was probably a blessing. I met Farrah too---but yeaaars ago. She was arm candy for Lee at the time and I was a bit turned off by the blonde moments, but she didn't take a lot of crap and actually had some intelligent things to say. I REALLY dislike helpless women---"oh, I just DON'T know HOW to make this work (insert batting eyelashes)!". Farrah, despite the T&A image, was not like that. She played a lot of tough roles and I think taught girls they could be anything and do anything, even if the image was the thing that got you in the door. Play all the angles. I fretted as a kid, wanting my hair to do the Farrah Flip...never did, still won't. I think I'll leave that to her photos.

Later in the day we had a few things to do. We stopped to get fuel at Costco (omg $2.64, as opposed to $3 most retail places!). We had heard some rumblings that MJ had been taken to UCLA, non-responsive. I think I knew then what the answer was, but I sort of blocked it out. As I opened the door to the car as we were fueling up, an announcer confirmed his death. I remembered the time I met MJ, sort of. We had a moment. He was in a mob at a function. Quiet, not really making eye contact. He did lock eyes with me at one point in the handful of people standing in the small room. I smiled at him gently from a foot or two away and he seemed to understand I didn't want anything of him and he was appreciative and gently smiled back. MJ's music was a big part of my youth. I could never moonwalk, despite my many attempts, but his music was in my library and I faithfully watched MTV for the videos. I never thought of him as a superstar---he was a guy, who made some amazing music that will continue to live on and he left us way too soon.

I hope all three folks can be at peace now. I hope that Uncle Walty is as ok as he can be and that whatever the rest of his life is, he is not in pain. Things do come in threes and I really dislike waiting for that third shoe to drop. I just thought it might take a little longer for it to get here!

May all their memories be for a blessing.

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Wise Words

2009-06-25T08:35:00.001-07:00

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It is not very often I use words from others here in this space, but today when I opened up the paper I read an article I just knew I needed to share with the blogosphere.

Paul has been a leader in this community for as long as I can remember and I am glad he has stepped up to the plate again to help the community as a whole by accepting the job as interim director of the DeFrank Center. Despite the advances in the last 30 years, Prop 8 is a perfect example of why there is still work to be done and why the DeFrank Center is still a very necessary part of the entire community--straight, gay, lesbian, trans, bi, questioning, inter or any other person in the area in need of a safe place to be. Yes I said straight---y'all are welcome there too---there are just more places it is easier to be straight than it is for the rest. Which is why the DeFrank is so important to ALL.

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Opinion: Silicon Valley still needs a gay-lesbian community center

By Paul Wysocki

Special to the Mercury News

Does Silicon Valley need a gay community center? Given the challenges we face in raising funds to support our work, it appears to be an open question.

In 1979, Santa Clara County and the city of San Jose enacted nondiscrimination laws protecting homosexuals in the areas of employment and housing. Immediately, a group of citizens organized a petition drive, two ballot measures were proposed, and the voters overturned the laws.

Hurt, angry and disappointed that voters would treat us as second-class citizens, a band of hearty activists mobilized to create a safe space to call our own. In 1981, the Billy DeFrank Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender (LGBT) Community Center was born.

Now it's 2009. So what's different? We've seen "Will and Grace," "The 'L' Word," "Queer as Folk," even "American Idol," for crying out loud, on TV. We've been through the endless arguments about "don't ask, don't tell" in the military, and the federal "Defense" of Marriage Act. Talk shows and reality TV have portrayed us in so many ways that people think they know fully who we are. But do they?

Many of my well-intentioned straight friends think we've now been sufficiently integrated into mainstream society, especially here in the Bay Area. "What's the point of a gay community center when you all seem so comfortable?" they seem to say. And, frankly, this perception has hampered our ability to garner financial support, which has led to a financial crisis threatening our survival.

But then I think about the 18-year-old high school jock who's terrified that someone he knows will see him coming to the center for counseling to deal with his feelings about his sexual orientation. Would he feel safe talking to his school counselor, or his parents?

I think about the 75-year-old woman whose life partner of 45 years just died, and who needs a place where she can grieve openly with supportive friends. She also attends a local senior center but wouldn't dream of opening herself to people there.

I think about the Chinese family seeking treatment options for their gay, HIV-positive son. They wouldn't dare consult a government agency, or even an agency that serves Asian-Americans, for fear of retribution and of losing face.

But what about the 30-, 40- and 50-somethings who work in high-tech companies, drive new cars, own good homes and barbecue in their backyards? Well, go back and read the first lines of this story. Substitute 2008 for 1979. Change anti-discrimination laws to marriage equality laws. Leave in the part about voters treating us as second-class citizens.

One of the things I tell my straight friends is that it's easy to be philosophical about the ocean when the water is gently lapping at your ankles. When the waves are crashing into your house and knocking you over, however, there's not much time, energy or focus to consider the wonders of nature.

So how much have things changed, really? Progress has been made, to be sure. But, for now, it appears that the need for the Billy DeFrank center still exists.

Of course, like all other nonprofits these days, we're struggling mightily. We've laid off staff, cut expenses to the bone and are engaged in a comprehensive restructuring plan to continue our services following recent devastating cutbacks in government funding for programs that serve our citizens.

We will survive with help — and money — from the community during these difficult times. But only if people understand the need we continue to fill.

PAUL WYSOCKI is interim executive director of the Billy DeFrank LGBT Community Center (www.defrank.org). He wrote this article for the Mercury News.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me
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Monday Monday...how hot can it get?

2009-06-22T17:16:00.001-07:00

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For those who know what I'm talking about, we're at 35 days and I'm done. Halle-frikkin-luya!

Since I've been too busy to post much of anything of late taking care of Bailey, the mourning pup, I'm offering a meme someone sent me today---which seems to be a mixture of a few things.

Do you usually wear perfume/cologne? If so, what's your current favorite?

is and has been for a while, Stetson, unless it is on my wife and then I have other options.

What's the last book you've read that you thought was really good? If you don't have one, what looks promising on your to-be-read list?

My Sister's Keeper...bring tissues!

Fill in the blank: I wouldn't be caught dead _________.

oooh, SOOO many choices....in a dress unless it involved Purim or Pride; or having anything to do with the GOP (I've recovered from my upbringing, thankyouverymuch)

What is the last song that was stuck in your head and how did you get rid of it?

This is Me You're Talking To---Trisha Yearwood; went to choir and slogged through a Kiddush that choir ROCKED on Friday night...damn, we are good!

If you had to say what one thing in your life best represents your freedom, what would it be?

my camera

If you were invited to the White House for dinner tonight, what would you wear from your current wardrobe?

I'd have to beg the cleaners to give me my suit that isn't due to be ready until Wednesday evening, or find my tux in storage.

Ever been married?

Yup, several times to the same gal!

Ever been divorced? been remarried?

Nope, almost widowed.

Ever had sex at a wedding reception?

uh, no.

Ever had sex with someone you first met at a wedding or wedding reception?

no.

Ever given a a toast to the bride and groom?

yes.

Ever had sex with someone ten years older or younger than you?

yes---older

Ever drawn from a nude model or been a nude model?

yes on both accounts

Ever had sex at a company Christmas party?

no.

Ever had a blind date?

Gawd yes.

Ever slept with a teacher?

well not one of MY teachers, but WAS a teacher

Ever had sex with someone within an hour of meeting them?

No

Before the industrial revolution, most people never traveled more than 30 miles from their home. How far from your birth place do you now live?

Give or take 345 miles.

What is the farthest distance from home you have you have ever had sex or an orgasm? What is there farthest distance you have traveled from your home to have a sexual encounter?

approximately 6000 miles, give or take a few kilometers.

How many states (or Canadian provinces or your country's geopolitical division) and counties have you had sex and/or an orgasms in?

California is a BIG state...on the East Coast it would be considered several states. 7 territories if you don't count CA as more than 1 area.

Have you ever had sex in a vehicle? While the vehicle was moving?

Yes and yes. ;-)

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Surprise Me Again

2009-06-16T13:56:00.000-07:00

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Okay. I'm thinking maybe it is time to take away my lesbian card from me.

First Kelly McGillis.

Now Chaz Bono?

Both times I had to have straight folks tell me about it.

wth?

Chaz and I have a history. No, not THAT kind of history. Sheesh. When I was a young'n, I was allowed to stay up late to watch Sonny & Cher, because, Chastity might be on the show that night and it was good, wholesome entertainment.

Oh, if my parents only KNEW then what would happen along the way!

Chaz is 6+ months younger than I am, so we had something in common.

The absolutely hilarious thing is that my mother used to prod me to "be more like Chastity" who often wore pretty dresses on the show.

LOL!

When Chastity came out, I wished my mother had still been alive so I could ask her if maybe Chastity were following ME finally? Alas, I never got the chance to ask Mom.

I suspect I know what the conversation with my mother would be like today. Once she picked up her feet, she'd go on and on about what a LOVELY young woman Chastity had been and "what happened?!". To which I would tell my mother that a) she certainly was sounding like HER mother and b) Chaz has a right to be happy---this is what works for him, and that's cool for him. My mother would continue by telling me she was "fine" with it, but all the while kvetching about how "pretty" Chastity was as a young girl, just like me. Yeah, okay Mom...riight!

The conversation with my father would find me spending my time defending myself and explaining I'm a woman, a lesbian and at this moment I can tell you I have every intention of staying a woman. Dad has never been good at those touchy subjects and jumps to a lot of right-wing assumptions. He STILL thinks I slept with my high school best friend because I'm a lesbian now and she was a girl, I was a girl and that's just what happens, right? We were friends, that's it. Same thing with this. I like wearing comfy clothes, sometimes a suit and tie or wing-tips. That's who I am, that's what makes me comfy. I really dislike people putting labels or shoving people into pre-defined boxes. Doesn't mean I feel I am the wrong gender.

We have a number of friends who have gone through their transition, some are along their way, some have yet to start the journey. It is a tough journey. Only an exhusband of a friend who was using his gender dysphoria against his ex-wife and child---he is the only one I refuse to support---he's just nutz and an asshat---which has nothing to do with his gender issues. Anyway---after walking with a co-worker through her journey to womanhood, I had some realizations about my own coming out process. I grew up thinking I was attracted to the 'wrong" gender. Trans folks often grew up feeling like they WERE the "wrong" gender. I feel it is a LOT easier to pretend to like someone of a different gender than you already do---pretending to be a different gender is a big shift and takes a LOT more energy to hide.

At one point, a friend was surprised I so easily accepted their spouse in their newly accepted gender. For me, it is easy. Each person ought to be what they feel they are
in terms of gender, love and life. Why should anyone else have an issue with that? Love should be the rule, not the exception.

I wish Chaz the best. I hope his transition is easy for him, because, I suspect, life has not been easy hiding this inside of him.

I just wish I'd stop learning about such things in this community from our straight friends. I mean, I'm glad our friends are so well educated, but---can't I know some of it first? ;-) Oh well!

And yes, I had another major nose bleed last night. Platelets and other meds and a major headache later---and I'm ready for a nap. And the beat goes on!

I have melanoma, it does not have me.

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Things, Here, There, Everywhere

2009-06-10T20:28:00.001-07:00

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100 things...as if I've not answered most of these before, but, what the heck. I don't really want to post about the hatred that happened at the Holocaust Museum in DC this morning. I have some medical stuff to post about, but am not up to really sharing about that. So, my inbox provides the fodder for this evening.

100 Things, give or take...

1. Last Beverage → water.
2. Last Phone Call → Wife.
3. Last thing you did-made a$$ kicking burgers for dinner
4. Last Song You Listened To → This Is Me You're Talking To
5. Last Time You Cried → watching a TV program the other day
6. Last Text Message → Wife

FIVE HAVE YOU EVER:
7. Dated Someone Twice → Not exactly
8. Been Cheated On? → Yes
9. Kissed Someone & Regretted It? → Yes
10. Lost Someone Special?→ hell ya
11. Been Depressed? → yup

LIST THREE FAVORITE COLORS:
12. purple
13. blue
14. red (humnnn)

THIS MONTH HAVE YOU:
15. Made A New Friend → Yes.
16. Laughed Until You Cried → YES.
17. Met Someone Who Changed Your Life → Yes
18. Found Out Who Your True Friends Were → Yes
19. Found Out Someone Was Talking About You →Yes
20. Have You Kissed Anyone On Your Friend's List → No one other than my wife

21. How Many People On Your Friends List Do You Know In Real Life → I think all of them
22. How Many Kids Do You Want To Have → I'm 40...like Grammie, stop dreaming
23. Do You Have Any Pets →let me count the menagerie
24. Do You Want To Change Your Name →have always wanted to
25. What Did You Do For Your Last Birthday →Turned another year older!
26. What Time Did You Wake Up Today → 1:37am, 3am...then 6am
27. What Were You Doing At Midnight Last Night → Sleeping.
28. Name Something You Cannot Wait For → a sister to return for a visit
29. Last Time You Saw Your Father →2005
30. Whats One Thing You Wish You Could Change → hatred
31. Have You Ever Talked To A Person Named Tom → yes, but many years ago
32. What's Getting On Your Nerves Right Now → my right hip
33. Most Visited Webpage →gmail
34. Whats Your Real Name → ThirdGen...what'd you think it was?
35. Nicknames →T and others I won't share.
36. Status → very married
37. Zodiac Sign → Leo
38. Male Or Female → Female.
39. Elementary →MHS
40. Middle School → SPJrHi and the high school I graduated from
41. High School →WSfG
42. Hair Color → Red, red, red, or as the hairdresser said the other day, apricot
43. Long Or Short → short
44. Are You A Health Freak? Not exactly, but I am conscious of my health
45. Height → mid 5's
46. What Do You Like About Yourself →my brain, my humor
47. Piercings → Ears
48. Tattoos → nope
49. Righty Or Lefty →both

FIRSTS :
50. First Surgery → that I know of, my first knee in 1978
51. First Piercing → Ears.
52. First Sport You Joined → uhm...think it was softball, but can't remember what I joined first.
53. First Pet → Elmer Otis, E.O, the cat with no tail.
54. First Vacation → the cabin
55. First Concert →Melissa Manchester--I won the tickets!
56. First Crush → Julie Andrews--first? still!

CURRENTLY :
57. Eating → nothing
58. Drinking → water!
59. I'm About To → consult with the wife about something we need to purchase
60. Listening To → music?

YOUR FUTURE :
61. Want To Get Married? →oh G-d, not again!
62. Careers In Mind? → doing it

HAVE YOU EVER :
63. Kissed A Stranger → NO.
64. Drank Hard Liquor → Yup
65. Lost Glasses/Contacts →yup
66. Ran Away From Home →yup
67. Broken Someone's Heart → yup
68. Been Arrested → nope
69. Turned Someone Down → yes
70. Cried When Someone Died → YES.
71. Liked A Guy/Girl Friend → Yes.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN:
72. Yourself → Sometimes.
73. Miracles → sometimes
74. Love At First Sight →yes
75. Santa Claus → uhm, not exactly my cup of tea
76. Forgiveness → forgive, yes, forget, no
77. Sex without emotional attachment → I was never good at that

DO YOU:
78. Screen your calls → better question is---do I actually answer my phone? Not often, I really dislike the phone in many, many ways
79. Lose your temper → now where DID I leave my temper?
80. Ask for directions when lost → I don't need to. Between Google Maps, GPS and Google Maps for my phone there are few places I cannot find. And
then there IS the little matter of my magnetic nose...I can get myself out of a dark paper bag without directions.
81. Like chocolate → there is another flavor?
82. Want to live forever → G-d no!
83. Have a great spouse → yup
84. Have any siblings → not by birth
85. Have any crowns or bridges → yup
86. Talk to your parents → my mother I have continued to talk to ever since she died 15 years ago, my father is a harder nut to crack
87. Want to run a marathon → No, I was a jock for years, my body reminds me of that fact every single day
88. Have any artificial limbs → Nope, but my hip is beginning to make me wonder if I'm getting a hip replacement sooner than later
89. Own a home → nope
90. Know your social security number by heart → yup
91. Know how to cook → yup, despite my mother banning anyone from her kitchen, I have managed to learn
92. Know how to do your own laundry → yup, since age 10 when my mother threw a conniption fit and made us do our own
93. Know how to tie a knot → some knots, yes
94. Know a language other than your original → several, but I'm dyslexic in most of them
95. Drink coffee every morning → nope
96. Have a good vein in one or both arms → I have one really good one still in my left arm

ANSWER TRUTHFULLY :
97. Is There One Person You Want To Be With Right Now? → ya
98. Had More Than One Boyfriend/Girlfriend At One Time? →Yup, both
99. Had enough of answering these questions → yup
100. Posting This As 100 Truths → Fine

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Four Years Ago

2009-06-08T00:01:00.000-07:00

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Four years ago this evening, I received a phone call on my cell that was being held together with duct tape and some wire. No, I am not kidding you. Our contract was up in a week or so and all I had to do was keep that phone together until we could replace it. When the phone rang, I had a funny feeling. I knew I had to be careful holding the phone or it would disconnect and possibly fall apart in my hands, but that was not the entire odd feeling as the phone buzzed in my hand.

The area code was familiar. My brain searched back in my mind and realized to whom the number belonged. A number I had not seen in years.

I grabbed my phone and ran outside. We were having dinner with some friends. A last supper of sorts. He was dying of the same disease my mother died of more than 11 years previous. We were spending some time with them before the house exploded in family, surrounding him in his death process. I knew the call I was receiving could not be good news and the folks inside the house certainly didn't need to hear my end of the conversation.

It was my aunt on the line. She married into the family when I was a teenager. I always liked her because she was shorter than I was and seemed to have a level head on her shoulders---something those of us with the family genes didn't always have. She had plenty of other redeeming qualities, but I worried less about those things---her genial way and short stature helped win my heart.

My aunt asked how I was doing. I explained our situation, waiting for a friends husband to pass away. S, the ever truthful one said something to the effect of "well, then what I have to say won't make today any better!".

My maternal grandmother was dead.

It was a bit of a shock because no one let me know she was ill previous to her death. Little did I know how little the family was sharing with me about a number of things.

I have a number of fond memories about my Grammie. She would often pick me up from school on Mondays and take me to 31 Flavors for Pralines and Cream. When we would pull up to the house, she would say "Home again, home again, jiggity jig". We would make forts out of the couch cushions while we waited for one of my folks to get home. We played Old Maid, Chutes and Ladders and Market, among other games. It was not until I was older that I understood she was trained to be an RN and what that meant. I also did not understand until later that she never really put that education to work because my grandfather would not allow his wife to work. No questions, even in lean years of beans and weenies for dinner. I can't speak to her life before I was born, but I suspect she never missed being an RN in trade for being a Grammie. By the time I came around she would have been retired and most of the time, she enjoyed having me around. I remember her laugh; her "oh T dear!" when I punned her or fooled her a little; or the crooked smile she would get when she didn't quite know how to express the truth about something. Despite her desire to be fairly plain, she was vain at times. She made up her face when she went out "just to the store", she took care of her hair "because we always want to look our best". Grammie tried her best to fix me up, to her last days, with "a nice young man". Despite having met J, she STILL tried to fix me up with guys. Every, single guy---played for the same team I do, but on the opposite side of the fence. Grammie had a knack for finding them, here at home and even in England. She wanted me to be happy, she just didn't understand why I "didn't just get married and do whatever I needed to with someone else". That was the norm of her time, not mine. I just wish I could have her knack for cooking---I keep trying and some day, I hope to have her style in the kitchen.

Here is my Grammie on her wedding day. Flanked by a woman who became her sister-in-law and another woman who stayed friends with her until her death---decades of friendship ahead of them among the three. I miss them all.

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Love Letter To Cancer

2009-06-02T17:24:00.000-07:00

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Occasionally I will post links to other pages and information. Even though this blog is about me, sometimes others ideas and observations are appropriate.

I read a number of blogs. Some of them are cancer related. Some are not. This melting pot of friends produces an interesting mix of reading material.

As I loaded one friends blog today, his message was a link to another blog. I clicked through and read what I came upon. It is a message I have conveyed in various forms here.

I'm providing a link, but also including the text, because blogs come and go, if the text goes away, I want it to remain here as long as I have my blog.

The blog is ..cancer can bite me.. a journey of recovery.

The blog posting is A Love Letter to Cancer

text of the letter is below:
===BOF===
Dear Cancer,

There are so many things that I want to say to you, so many that I need to say. You have come into my life and altered it in the radical way that only those closest to a person can manage. You have forced me to reevaluate my life, my priorities, and my emotions. You have made me more self-aware; and for that, I thank you.

You have brought my family closer together. For many years now, we have been treading water; we have let the disagreements and ideological differences become the unspoken walls between us. We have let these walls close us off from each other and from the tapestries of blood and time that will always unite us. Yet, with a single word, a single appearance, you have ground those walls to dust. There is a closeness, a reunion, that was wholly unexpected – and perhaps, on some level, feared – because of the honesty that it will force upon each of us. However, I now see us embracing that honesty, consequences and discomfort be damned. Life, as you have shown us so powerfully, is too short for anything but truth. So, Cancer, for giving me my family back, I thank you.

You have shown me that it is acceptable to rely on others, that I am permitted to be weak in my own way and at my own time. You have given me the strength to depend upon those I love, and because I have finally taken that step, you have unlocked the door to show me what real love is. I can see it so much more clearly than I ever could before. You have given me the love of my life, and you have taught me to revel in her strength. For teaching me these early lessons in those parts of love I have always overlooked, I thank you.

You have shown me how many true friends I have. Over the past month, I have been awed and humbled by the amount of love and support that I have received from friends I have never even met. My relationships with those I have met have deepened, have sweetened, have strengthened into unbreakable bonds. I have seen parts of my friends that otherwise would have remained hidden until the next time of crisis. I have been overwhelmed by generosity and concern and kindness, and for this, I thank you.

You have strengthened my resolve and my commitment. You have honed my curiosity and my creativity. You have given me a very special set of tools; for these tools, I thank you.

With these tools, Cancer, I will defeat you. The love, the creativity, the concern, the generosity, the resolve – I will ride them as a tide of healing against you. I have a purpose that I will not abandon. I have been the most fortunate recipient of such generosity that I will not abandon. I will bring the love of hundreds and thousands against you. And you will lose. You will fail. You will not claim me.

For all these things, and for the gifts you have yet to bring to my life, I thank you. Yet I warn you, the more to attempt to tighten your grip on my life, the more easily I will best you. My life is mine; it is not yours. Nor will it ever be.

Farewell, Cancer. I will be free of you, and, though I will bathe in the echoes of your passing for many years to come, you will not be missed.

Namaste.
===EOF===

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Remiss?

2009-05-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

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I've been somewhat remiss in posting of late. Those that know what is going on, understand. Those that don't...well, perhaps you've wandered a bit far off---with the exception of the one person I was talking to Thursday night where we didn't get a chance to finish our discussion---too many people around.

I do want to ask that you keep our friend Leo in your hearts and prayers. Yes, gasp, that's a real name here. He is in hospital and needs all the prayers you can send his way.

I'm posting a meme for now that a friend sent along while I try to keep Leo's pup and house in order while doctors and family try to take care of him thousands of miles from home.

What's the best summer job you ever had?

A pothole filler for the City of Pasadena. It may sound odd, but it WAS the best job. Why? Because of how it happened, or more to the point, not.

My grandfather consulted for the City and I gather he wanted me to go through the process of applying for a job and interviewing. I went through the agonizing process of applying for a city job. Interviewed with a group of something like 8 or 10 people sitting at a long table. And then I waited. And waited. And waited. I heard nothing. I applied for other jobs and finally obtained one elsewhere. Once I was back at school, a postcard arrived in the mail. I was "hired" for my summer job, as a pothole filling supervisor for the City, starting on 16 October. No, I'm not kidding. I respectfully declined the job and asked if perhaps they were pre-hiring for the NEXT summer. They said no. Oh well!

Tell me about the worst date you ever went on.

I have to pick ONE? Well, one with R. We were fixed up by a work friend. I was still giving the whole str8 thing a college try. We went out. We got along okay, but seriously, I'm not sure he had an orientation of any kind. At the end of the date he shook my hand. I can't even begin to explain how uncomfortable the date was, nevermind his interpersonal skills were completely lacking. I used all my cotillion skills, all the "charm school class" skills I had learned. Nuttin. OMG!

Only to be outdone by every guy my mother or maternal grandmother tried to set me up with---EVERY, SINGLE, ONE OF THEM WAS GAY. Seriously. Mom and Grammie had a knack for it. Grammie never understood it. Mom laughed loudly when I explained that to her.

What's the best museum you've ever visited?

Norton Simon. No ifs, ands or buts.

How old were you when you learned to tie your shoes?

We're still waiting on that one. In kindergarten I had to take home "the practice shoe". I tried. I tried. I continued to try. I still try. Which is why I tend to slip off my shoes rather than untie them. MUCH easier for me. This is also, one of those signs one looks for when one is wondering if a child is dyslexic. bingo!

If your birthday could be in a different month of the year, when would you have it?

I wouldn't change it. No other month has NO holidays. Growing up I thought my birthday WAS the holiday of the month!

What spot in your body would you say is the center of your emotional being?

My heart, which in turn, implies my brain. I think a lot. If you wound me with your words or actions, my heart breaks and my mind tries to fix it. I stay within my brain, protecting my heart. People rarely have a clue as to how much I feel, let alone how my heart feels. I learned years ago not to share some feelings for a variety of reasons. Not the least of which is if someone doesn't hear you utter the words, the possibility of them hurting you diminishes greatly, usually.

Yes, those of you who understand the above realize that points to spectrum issues. bingo!

Which also explains why if I'm hurting, I can't look at someone in the eye. I feel too much, or so some folks have said.

If you won the Lotto tonight, what would you do first?

First, jump up and down and do something akin to yodeling. Second, confirm we won. Third, ask the wife which house she'd like to buy. Fourth, call our Realtor and after she passed out, explain the situation and assure her we'll still take care of her pup for her. Fifth, figure out whom else to help in the community---this *would* be first, but housing is our first priority right now, then we'd be able to take care of others. Sixth, talk to a few friends whom we KNOW need a little help and provide it.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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One thumb up, One thumb down.

2009-05-26T23:22:00.000-07:00

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Still legally married in CA.

But the court has created several tiers of people of this state. Apparently, marriage for persons of the same gender WAS legal for part of last year. Now, it is not. Explain THAT one to the children...well, Billy, *I* am legally married to my wife, but no, our friend James cannot marry the man he loves because...well, let's see, the court has said no. Oh, no Billy, our *other* friends, Dan and Debbie CAN get married any time they want. Why? The court, again says that IS okay. No, don't ask me to explain, I can't.

When I was in grade school, I was taught the branches of our government worked together to protect the citizens. To do the right thing. I wonder if the six justices who voted for Prop 8 today would be willing to require an alteration to those school books. To explain what exactly it is the justices do FOR the citizens of this state? To explain why they seemingly have legislated discrimination and how that is good for ALL the citizens.

I have no problem with the will of the people of this state being proper. Many "wrongs" have been "righted" by the will of the people such as Brown vs Board of Education. But this fight came from those outside of California to actively discriminate against some people of California. THAT, I have a problem with. Anymore than the mayor of Los Angeles going to Newberry Springs to tell the town how to run their municipality, churches and organizations from outside of California should not be affecting the law of this state. Yes, that IS how Prop 8 started.

I am happy the piece of paper stating my wife and I are still legally married is still valid. But as with Election Night 2008, I am elated but so VERY disappointed at the discrimination and hatred that has won out. I am happy to have spent the evening marching with thousands of others downtown. My feet hurt. My voice is sore from protest chants. My hand is sore from holding my wife's hand all night out in public---a GOOD problem to have. My heart hurts from this latest discrimination.

I am disappointed. I am angry. I am hopeful that in my lifetime such hatred will be looked upon as distasteful as the reasons leading up to Brown vs Board. I suspect those supporting hatred have no idea what sort of hornets nest they have stirred up. Never forget history---Stonewall was apparently long enough ago that some folks have forgotten what this community can do when we get together.

I have melanoma, neither it, nor hatred has me.

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Two Things

2009-05-21T23:07:00.000-07:00

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Sent from a friend. Short but sweet.

JUST 2 THINGS

Two names you are called that are not your real name:
1. T
2. Hot

Two things you're wearing now:
1. Wedding Ring
2. Clothes

Two of your favorite things to do:
1. Cook
2. Spend time with friends

Two things you want very badly at the moment:
1. Vacation
2. Own a home

Two things you did yesterday:
1. Walked the dog
2. Worked

Two things you ate/drank yesterday:
1. Mashed Potatoes with gravy
2. Water

Two people you last talked to:
1. The wife
2. R from my class

Two things you are doing tomorrow:
1. Taking meds
2. Services

Two favorite holidays:
1. Passover---it's non-dairy generally
2. Rosh Hashanna

Two favorite drinks:
1. Water
2. Whiskey

Two people no longer alive that you'd like to talk to:
1. Mom
2. My uncle Bob

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the second glance

2009-05-15T00:01:00.000-07:00

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the second glance, from Nic Askew on Vimeo, featuring David Roche.

Watch it. Pay attention. Listen.

Something I have long talked about---beauty is what is inside. Judging someone by what is on the outside is a grave disservice, no matter if they look like a super model or not. Beauty is what a person is, not how you react to them; but how you react can be very ugly and damaging, even if you think you're doing "the right thing".

I talked to a friend of a friend once. She was sure that all of her little flaws made her unlikable. I tried to explain to her that she was beautiful in so many ways. She could not see the beauty, nor hear my comments. She then deflected, trying to put the onus on me---that somehow, my comments were sexually based and that in the dark, of course I'd want her. What she could not grasp was that the beauty I saw had nothing to do with sight and everything to do with seeing the woman within. Despite her self esteem issues, she was very beautiful. A caring, compassionate and loving woman who would go out of her way to help someone in need. An intelligence that surpassed any flaws one might have seen in her external armor. Those things were more appealing to me than any visual picture I could garner with my hazel eyes. But she could not see what was right in front of her.

Sometimes, it is the obvious that one misses completely without being given a lesson on life by some of the simplest things.

'the second glance' from Nic Askew on Vimeo.

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I Remember

2009-05-13T21:46:00.000-07:00

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"I always wanted a happy ending….Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity". – Gilda Radner

103 years ago, in what was a small coastal town squished between the ocean and fields in northwestern Germany, my grandmother was born. 100 years ago this December, she and her family boarded a ship to come to New York and the rest of the family story unfolds in a jagged, but interesting fashion. I've told some of the stories here, I will tell more at some point, suffice it to say the stories that live on are not all the truth and some are expanded a bit from what the original---or so we have found out over the years.

I do not think that I will ever know the complete truth, but suspect some of all the family stories have some sliver of truth. What I do know is that some of the best time I spent with Grandma was when she would tell me stories "never to be uttered again". Except for where needed or appropriate, I have never let on to the people she cared about, anything about the family stories she shared. I promised I would keep things private, for her sake, and I have. Stories told to effect a happy ending, that never really fell into place as expected, despite the construction of the what seemed like the right tale at the time.

Some of those stories were told in between singing songs while playing her upright piano. Sometimes in the morning when Grandpa was out on errands we would sit together on her piano bench. Sometimes in the afternoon while Grandpa was napping and we had to put on the soft pedal so as not to wake him. Somehow, Grandma felt safe in that room, telling me quietly of things she remembered. Or teaching me yiddish songs, ones NEVER to be shared with anyone, ever. I repressed those songs for years, until our cantor introduced "Chiri Bim" in services one Friday night. I knew I knew the song. I vaguely remembered the words. Tears streamed down my face because I remembered. I remembered the time I spent with Grandma at that piano. I remembered the fun we had learning the songs, singing along in the mostly cheery tunes. I remembered the fear I had of anyone finding out I knew anything about this song or others. I remembered hearing Grandma singing in my ear, quietly as she lulled me to sleep at night.

I fondly remember this pint sized woman teaching me these and other things. I miss her often. I wish I could have her in more than my heart and memories more often than I can count. And I still tear up when we sing Chiri Bim, or even when we are driving down the road listening to a CD with many yiddish songs on it---I remember. I can only hope she would be proud I have taken up the history, heritage and spirituality of her family of so many years ago that was so hidden. The stories may not connect as she would have wished, but they do continue on.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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50 Unusual

2009-05-13T09:41:00.000-07:00

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What else do you expect, 50 unusual questions I answered. JUST for you.

1. What color is your toothbrush?

White with purple stripes I put on it to make it visible when I set it down and then can't figure out where I left it.

2. Name one person who made you smile today.

my darling wife

3. What were you doing at 8 am this morning?

At the gym, lifting weights

4. What were you doing 45 minutes ago?

coming back from the gym

5. What is your favorite candy bar?

a non-dairy one

6. What length are your fingernails?

on me, short. on my wife, long enough that when she runs them down my back I can feel them

7. What is the last thing you said aloud?

"Holy crap!"

8. What is your favorite ice cream?

-dairy---Trader Joe's cherry chocolate...yum

9. What was the last thing you had to drink?

Water

10. Do you like your wallet?

Coach, leather, it works for me

11. What was the last thing you ate?

the last bite of an English muffin

12. Have you bought any new clothing items this week?

nope, we're not buying anything we don't HAVE to right now.

13. The last sporting event you watched?

uhm...other than the Stanford girls win the bracket in Berkeley...maybe part of a baseball game on TV?

14. What is your favorite flavor of popcorn?

Flavor? They come in flavors? I just like litely salted with some melted oleo!

15. Who is the last person you sent a text message to?

my wife.

16. Ever go camping?

Yes, but the wife thinks "roughing it" is sleeping at a Motel 6

17. Do you take vitamins daily?

Yup, on a regimen the oncologist suggested and so far, it is working.

18. Do you go to church every Sunday?

No, but I got to shul almost every Friday night and Saturday morning! ha!

19. Do you have a tan?

for me, this IS tan.

20. Do you prefer Chinese food over pizza?

ooooh, tough choice. I'm a carb freak, so cheeseless pizza is a draw, but we've got a couple of really good Chinese places nearby.

21. Do you drink your soda with a straw?

If I'm out someplace where I have to be a lady...otherwise, no.

22. What did your last text message say?

I love you

23. What are you doing tomorrow?

outside of work, workout and going to see a new dog? To a play a young friend is in.

25. Look to your left, what do you see?

A window.

26. What color is your watch?

strap, black; face, white, gold rimmed

27. What do you think of when you hear Australia?

of some down under friends

29. Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive thru?

ususally go in, they screw ya in the drive thru.

30. What is your favorite number?

18

31. Who's the last person you talked to on the phone?

Steph, a friend calling to find out if we'd dropped off the face of the earth!

32. Any plans today?

work, chiropractor, work, work.

33. How many states have you lived in?

1, I'm a native

34. Biggest annoyance right now?

lack of work for the wife

35. Last song listened to?

I wanna be a republican--Kinsey Sicks

36. Can you say the alphabet backwards?

probably only if I'm drunk

37. Do you have a maid service clean your house?

ROTFLMAO...you're killin me!

38. Favorite pair of shoes you wear all the time?

Tennies

39. Are you jealous of anyone?

not really.

40. Is anyone jealous of you?

perhaps, don't really care.

41. Do you love anyone?

Absolutely

42. Do any of your friends have children?

Yes

43. What do you usually do during the day?

WORK!

44. Do you hate anyone that you know right now?

yes, but that's a very small, limited group, for good reason, but it doesn't take up my day thinking about it.

45. Do you use the word 'hello' daily?

Yes.

46. What color is your car?

Sunkissed Ocean Blue

47. Do you like cats?

Yes, but they sometimes annoy me, and almost always make me sneeze.

48. Are you thinking about someone right now?

Yes.

49. Have you ever been to Six Flags?

Which one? I've been to several of them.

50. How did you get your worst scar?

When they put an 8 or so inch scar in my armpit 20 years ago this July. It was called a Bankart procedure.Saved my shoulder, but ended my softball (and volleyball, basketball, soccer, water polo tennis and rugby) career.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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65 Things...

2009-05-10T00:09:00.000-07:00

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Tagged with 65 things in FB, won't post it there but will post it here.

1. First thing you wash in the shower?

Hair, usually

2. What color is your favorite hoodie?

NO HOODIES

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

Sure, been kissing my wife for about 18 years

4. Do you plan outfits?

only in terms of too hot, needs to be dressy enough or if we're off to a game and I need the appropriate colors

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now?

Tired---pleasantly happy with shabbat we celebrated last night with a new circle of friends, the shabbat morning we celebrated with the b'nai mitzvah class and the celebration of life we attended tonight.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red?

my underware

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having?

being in a loving circle of friends

8. Did you meet anybody new today?

several---been a busy day (see the answer to number 5)

9. What are you craving right now?

Snuggling my wife to sleep

10. Do you floss?

Yup

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage?

G-d, please get it away from me

12. Are you emotional?

I can be

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000?

yes

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?

most of the time, just lick it.

15. Do you like your hair?

I wish it were not so fine and that it didn't make "left turns" without permission, but yes.

16. Do you like yourself?

most days

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?

G-d no!

18. What are you listening to right now?

my wife listening to an old movie

19. Are your parents strict?

they were

20. Would you go sky diving?

not on purpose

21. Do you like cottage cheese?

When I could eat dairy, yes.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity?

I grew up in LA, met tons of them, lived near them, went to school with them.

23. Do you rent movies often?

hell, we don't even go out to the movies all that often.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in?

my ring is pretty bling!

25. How many countries have you visited?

uh, I've been to East LA, that counts as a country, right? Other than that, I think 4.

26. Have you made a prank phone call?

as a youngster, yup.

27. Ever been on a train?

yes--had my 5th birthday party on one.

28. Brown or white eggs?

color doesn't matter---it is freshness. We used to have a client with hens and we'd have freshly laid eggs many mornings.

29. Do you have a cell-phone?

yup

30. Do you use chap stick?

just a sunscreen stick

31. Do you own a gun?

the wife won't let have anything other than a pellet airgun...sigh.

32. Can you use chop sticks?

Yup, used 'em with dinner tonight.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight?

my wife

34. Are you too forgiving?

not so much anymore...got burned too many times

35. Ever been in love?

been and currently am

36. What is your best friend(s) doing tomorrow?

my wife and I are doing some temple stuff and then I dunno.

37. Ever have cream puffs?

years ago

38. Last time you cried?

today

39. What was the last question you asked?

do you want the last home baked chocolate cookie I baked?

40. Favorite time of the year?

spring---rebirth and fall---colors

41. Do you have any tattoos?

nope

42. Are you sarcastic?

I can be

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect?

the what?

44. Ever walked into a wall?

yup

45. Favorite color?

Purple I'd say

46. Have you ever slapped someone?

yup

47. Is your hair curly?

certain parts of it are

48. What was the last CD you bought?

Rabbi Joe Black

49. Do looks matter?

I think I've answered this before---don't have to be drop dead gorgeous, however, butt ugly is a bit offputting. What arouses me more is intelligent conversation and what is inside of you, than what is on the outside and what may not be real anyway.

50. Could you ever forgive a cheater?

depends on whom it was and what they cheated.

51. Is your phone bill sky high?

Nope, we have enough minutes it is seriously in check.

52. Do you like your life right now?

One or two things I would change---other than that, yup.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on?

Given a chance, we both will.

54. Can you handle the truth?

I prefer to have truth---I will find out the truth eventually and if I find out you've been lying to me, I have a hard time trusting you ever again.

55. Do you have good vision?

near on 20/20 now...which SUCKS...I grew up with 20/10 and I feel BLIND I tell you, BLIND!

56. Do you hate more than 3 people?

Nope

57. How often do you talk on the phone?

As little as possible

58. The last person you held hands with?

My wife

59. What are you wearing?

Tshirt and shorts

60.What is your favorite animal?

Dog usually

61. Where was your default picture taken?

don't have one

62. Can you hula hoop?

yup, these hips know how to move

63. Do you have a job?

yup

64. What was the most recent thing you bought?

A chip clip for a friend, no I am not kidding.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window?

plenty of times as a teenager

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Any Given Thursday

2009-05-07T22:25:00.000-07:00

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Got tagged by a friend with another meme. You'd think I'd be out of answers by now...but nope.

Swings or slides?

depends on how big the slide---biiig slide---definitely. little slide, then I'll take the swing.

Fake plants or real plants?

Real plants, unless you just suck at keeping plants alive, then get some good fake ones

Have you ever had acupuncture? If you haven’t, would you ever?

I have not, but am aiming to find someone who does and is available and not too far away.

Red or white wine?

I'm mostly a white girl, but the right red and I'm there.

If you had to could you climb a tree?

What do you mean, "If I had to?"....b'ya

If you had to could you milk a cow?

yup and have, but don't want to.

Blue jeans: Skinny jeans or loose fitting? Zipper or button fly?

Zipper, buttons are just a pain, especially if you're getting undressed in a hurry. Other than that, ones that at least semi-fit.

It’s the battle of the little cars: Smart Car or Cooper Mini?

Depends on the reason for it. Cute and zippy? Mini. Efficient? SC!

Who is more disorganized: you or your significant other?

The wife.

If you were to add an 11th Commandment, what would it be?

I think I've answered this before---don't use thy Bible against others.

If you went to the good old general store, what particular candy would you insist on finding in a big jar at the counter?

horehound

Do you and your significant other have a code word for fooling around?

I'm not sharing THAT here...but a gal I used to work with used to call it "pizza" so her catholic mother wouldn't know she was boinking her SEAL boyfriend.

What item(s) are you too embarrassed to buy?

I used to work in a pharmacy, there isn't anything that would cause me to be too embarrassed.

Dogs or cats?

Dogs rule, cats drool.

Actually, I do love cats, I just dislike that they think about whether you're worth bothering, dogs just want love.

Would you go this way, or that way?

THAT way, duuuh.

Do you save your pennies?

yup

When was the last time you baked something in an Easy Bake Oven?

It would have had to have been before I was 10, when my neighbor Carolyn moved away. She was the only person I knew who had an EB Oven.

I have melanoma, it does not have me.

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Monday News

2009-05-04T09:32:00.000-07:00

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Am back to eating some real food. My eyes look like I've gone a round with Cassius Clay, but are itching, which suggests (according to my Grammie), that they are healing.

A little distraction for this Monday to let me catch up to where I left off last Thursday before all this tsuris started.

23 meme...

1. Did you date someone from your school senior year? G-d no, I wasn't out yet, certainly not "dating"! Yes, I went to an all girls high school. No, this is NOT connected.

2. Did you marry someone from your high school? Nope. 60 girls (a large class) was a little too small a gene pool to choose from for me.

3. Did you carpool to school? I drove myself most of the time, sometimes went with my mother after I'd gotten my license, if our schedules coincided.

4. What kind of car did you drive? '72 Camaro, Cal-trans orange in color...it was easy to find.

5. What kind of car do you have now? The Fran Van

6. It's Friday night - where were you (in high school)? Hanging with a friend or at home watching MTV or VH-1, or doing homework.

7. It is Friday night - where are you (now)? At services. Yup, just as hip as I ever was.

8. What kind of job did you have in high school? At a movie theater.

9. What kind of job do you do now? COO...lots more work than a 9-5, but I am alive, something I don't think I could say if I were still a QA geek

10. Were you a party animal? Nope. I didn't talk much to other people until I was almost 30. It made going to parties extremely painful.

11. Were you considered a flirt? No. See #10.

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir? Not in high school. Couldn't, I was in every sport I could be in, so I didn't have time. We did have to take music classes of all sorts, so I didn't get past it, just didn't have to spend all afternoon practicing music.

13. Were you a nerd? LOL. I was voted most likely to be a geek and my nickname WAS nerd.

14. Did you get suspended or expelled? Suspended, yup. Too damn smart even for a prep school and they just didn't know what to do with me.

15. Can you sing the fight song? We were demure young ladies, we did NOT have a "fight song". We had a school song, which was rather useless in terms of "spurring us on fullspeed" at sporting events.

16. Where did you sit during lunch? Usually somewhere out of the way, until senior year when I'd sit on the senior lawn. I wasn't cool, but was a jock and few people would mess with me and suggest I needed to move---for fear I'd just stand up and say "ok, who's gonna make me?". I was the All Around Athlete for good reason, I could out jock anyone in the school. At least I was good at something!

17. If you could go back and do it again, would you? No way. I hated high school and all the bullsh!t that came with it.

18. Did you have fun at Prom? Eh, ok. I went to two. First one, took a friend, everyone wanted him, so I was "popular" due to my date. We hung out afterwards, which was more fun. Second one, took a blind date as a favor to a friend. He danced well but was pissed I was winning at the casino night.

19. Do you still talk to your prom date? Neither one.

20. What did you want to be when you grew up? Older, and guess what, I achieved that!

21. Biggest fashion mistake? I was a prep, still am a prep, can't get out of prep, no matter how hard I tried, then or now. I don't think it was a mistake, but I could have made other choices, maybe.

22. Favorite fashion trend? At the time---sweats, certainly better than the leg warmers!

23. Are you going to your next reunion? Didn't go to the last big one, or any other one. The last pics I saw I didn't exactly fit in. Maybe once we all get older and the bitchy factor calms down, I might consider it.

OMG!

2009-05-03T18:32:00.000-07:00

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OMG! OMG! OMG!

Kelly McGillis!?!

Damn.

And I had to have a straight friend tell me she came out.

Maybe I need to give back one of those toaster ovens for not figuring this out? ;-)

But when all is said and done, I just hope she is finally happy.

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Bloodshot...Not Hungover

2009-05-02T22:06:00.000-07:00

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There are days I understand why some folks eat only certified kosher foods.

Not that it would have guaranteed I would not have ended up barfing my brains out for the last two days.

While praying to the porcelain g-ds made me wonder if I were going to die in the bathroom---still not enough to make me go totally kosher. C'mon, no cheeseburgers, that's a good start!!!

This was our first trip out to eat in weeks, so we can narrow it down to one place we ate. Except for that evening, J and I pretty much ate the same things for the previous few days and she's fine. I'll give a call to the manager tomorrow to let them know.

To say I felt like death warmed over is an understatement. I felt a little like the ads for flu medicines, am sure I looked like it too. I blew out a few vessels in my eyes and have some pretty hemoragging in my eyelids too. J thought I was allergic to something, then we realized it had to be the energetic barfing. I wondered why one eye hurt and felt a little scratchy, but understand, considering how many vessels blew out in my eyes. I also wondered why I was having so much trouble seeing even the TV, let alone the instructions on the baby tylenol I was trying to take to reduce my fever. G-d has an interesting sense of humor on how He put this body together.

The good news is that I'm on the way to feeling semi-human. I feel like someone used me as a punching bag---which is not surprising considering how many times I urped up. Coughing is a whole new world of pain for me right now.

The somewhat humorous (well, ok, not funny, but interesting) portion to all this is that my oncologist ALSO has food poisoning. He is a little embarrassed that one of his patients is recovering better than he is from the same thing. He ended up getting IV fluids and meds to help him get better. That's not the way this is supposed to work. But I'll take it! The good news is, it means I'm doing pretty good for being a cancer patient if I can be up and typing away 48 hours after this mess started. Am not so sure about much food, laughing, coughing or being up off the bed for more than a few minutes at a time.

But it could be a lot worse.

I've been up off the couch for a few minutes now...and am getting a little woozy. Off to bed for more rest.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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A Request for Help

2009-04-30T09:52:00.001-07:00

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Back to reality.

I do not ask much of my readers. Today, however, is one time I am reaching out, asking for some help for someone who really needs it.

A friend of some friends of mine is in a battle for her life. We have all heard about the battle with cancer many people have---hello, the point of this blog?!? Stage IV breast cancer is this specific case for Megan, who is only 36. But the biggest battle for Megan's life is against her insurance company. Blue Shield will not cover the treatments that may very well spare Megan's life. I understand "the business model" for denying coverage for expensive treatments, but what the model doesn't show is how it costs the company more in the long run. Between administrative costs and other expensive expenditures for her treatment outside of the contested treatments, nevermind the bad PR; Blue Shield is losing on this case. It appears Megan will not win her case against Blue Shield. So a fund was started to help her pay her medical expenses that are not covered. I could go on a rant about single-payer coverage...but that is not the point of this post.

I know most of us are in a crunch with money. But if everyone reading this gives $10, $25 or $100, the burden will be lowered quickly. Think about giving up a couple of lattes, or giving up a dinner out and instead, donating a little something for Megan's fight. I have made a donation, even with our limited resources and with my wife out of work. We cannot save everyone, nor can we fix all the ills, but we can make an effort for those we know are struggling. When we help others, we get a benefit ourselves. A bump in brain chemicals reminding us that we have done a good thing. Do a mitzvah today, make a donation of whatever size you feel you can.

http://megansfund.chipin.com/megans-fund

I thank you as does everyone involved in Megan's fight.

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Tuesday, Tuesday

2009-04-28T16:36:00.001-07:00

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A shout out to S who is in the neighborhood consulting with a doc. Just a suggestion, a GPS can help with directions for these crazy freeways we have here!

I'm still running on steroids so I'm gonna post something else---a few things about me 'n J.

1. How did you meet?

At a bar

2. Was it lust at first sight?

Embarrassment at first site, really, we were forced into meeting.

3. Were they currently available?

We were both available.

4. How important is physical attraction?

The person does not need to be drop dead gorgeous, but drop dead butt ugly is not good either.

5. How important is intellectual attraction?

Extremely. More important than physical attraction in my opinion.

6. How long until you had sex?

9 months from when we met

7. Is this/was this the love of your life?

yes

8. Stubble... good or bad? How often do you shave?

On me, on my legs, depends on what is going on. I try to keep things trimmed to a dull roar in summer, so as not to scare people or injury my body worker.

On others, depends on whom and where the stubble is. Most men, my opinion is shave it off or grow it out, but it depends on the guy.

9. If someone shoves you up against a wall while kissing you, your reaction is?

depends on whom it is that shoves and why. If it is my wife...well ;-)

10. Did you ever own a fake ID?

nope, not me, I NEVER needed one.

11. Have you ever played a game which may require you or others to disrobe?

yes.

12. Have you ever had sex in the snow? Rain?

yes
yes

13. Tell us about your last boyfriend/girlfriend?

her name was J, we've been "dating" for almost 18 years. Think it'll stick?!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.
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Monday, 50F less than last Monday

2009-04-27T14:48:00.001-07:00

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I'm posting a pic and a meme...not because I have nothing to say, but because I'm taking some steroids that mean I will probably rant more than I should here...so I'm just going to keep a little more quiet. I will say, most of the day has been a WONDERFUL 50F cooler than last Monday. Yes, Fifty degrees cooler! Thank You G-d!

Our recent travels took us here:

30 Meme

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

For Pride in SF, they used to have SFPD march and participate They had a fundraiser---for $5 or $10 you could let the officer of your choosing "frisk" you. Oh yeah, we did that. ;-) I also used to date a cop-in-training, so, yup, been searched and have searched.

2. Do you close your eyes on a roller coaster?

Not usually. The fun part for me is watching us go over hills and around. Though occasionally I will close my eyes and just feel the ride.

3. When’s the last time you’ve been sledding?

About 4 1/2 years ago in Tahoe at the family reunion. I should not have gone with my two blown discs, but with 10 feet of snow in one week, we were inside a lot, so we needed SOME fun other than the horizontal version.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?

With someone. Touching. Usually spooning.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?

Yes. We used to have one in the house we rented.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?

yup, but sometimes my analytical engineer side shuts all of that down.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

I'm not the one to judge that.

8. Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie?

Jennifer, Angelina sorta creeps me out.

9. Can you honestly say you know anything about politics?

A little. I dislike people lying to me and I feel politicians snow-job us all the time, so I tend not to like them very much.

10. Do you know how to play poker?

I know how, I don't enjoy it much.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?

More than once. It’s really not pretty.

12. What’s your favorite commercial?

I dislike most commercials---and appreciate when I'm somewhere with Tivo and I can boop-de-boop-de-boop thru them.

13. Who was your first love?

Topher

14. If you’re driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?

No, at that hour, the cops can see you easier, duuuh!

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?

I have plenty of secrets that no one else knows.

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?

Neither. If I answered yes to either one I'd be sleeping on the couch. The wife is a Mets fan, period.

17. Have you ever been ice skating?

Yes, plenty, tho only once with my wife---when I found out she's not a jock.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?

Too often.

19. What’s the one thing on your mind?

I rarely have just one thing on my mind.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?

Always---duuuh. I almost failed my first drivers test because I REQUIRED the tester to put on his seat belt (not required in CA at the time) before I would put the car in gear.

21. What talent do you wish you had?

To not feel quite so much.

22. Do you like sushi?

I love most sushi. Go to Sushi 2-2 Train---never a bad piece of fish, never the "junk" no one wants to eat. http://www.sushi22train.com/

23. What do you wear to bed?

tshirt or tank top and boxers

24. Do you truly hate anyone?

yes, but there are very few and for good reason. I use the word hate very infrequently because it is a painful word.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?

Kate Hepburn, Katie Couric, Cate Blanchette...theme here..;-)

26. Do you know anyone in jail?

Not that I know of.

27. What food do you find disgusting?

Ever since the chemo, salmon unless it is boiled (yes, even sushi), bananas, pomegranates.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?

not of my friends.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?

Yes. Have also punched others in the face,for good reason.

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?

I believe there are angels. I suspect there are demons, not necessarily ones we can all see, that do a lot of damage.

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Okay

2009-04-22T09:35:00.000-07:00

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I have just one question:

WHO LEFT THE OVEN ON AND THE DOOR OPEN!?!?!

98F in April?

Who had the brilliant idea of this sort of joke?

I'm mellllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllllting!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Fifteen Years Ago Today

2009-04-13T11:34:00.000-07:00

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Fifteen years ago this morning, I was driven across the newly opened 10 freeway on the way to LAX (post the Jan 1994 quake that closed it down) to board a plane and head back to work to train a new boss.

I was bleary eyed, having gotten about two hours of sleep total the previous night. I think I got those two hours in 10 minute jags.

Why might one ask, was I in LA and why was I so bleary eyed?

The night before, in a small ICU room in UCLA, I had given the orders to disconnect my mother's life support machinery. The decision to turn off the machines was not the hard part, saying goodbye was difficult.

Despite having planned most of my life to have my mother die anytime (with wonderful prepping from my Grammie who always expected people to die on her), I was prepared. But at 25, I was not ready to say goodbye to Mom. It was just too early.

But G-d had other plans, apparently.

In the last 15 years, there are plenty of times I could have used her wisdom to guide me. I could have enjoyed her company. I could have "enjoyed" her "helping" with our weddings ;-). I am sure we would have had a few terse conversations too, over more than a wedding or two or three. As I said many moons ago, we were two peas in a pod, on different vines. A lot alike, but very different.

I miss her. Not every day. But I do miss her. This time of year, even without her yahrzeit being yesterday, I would think of her. She was a CPA and taxes were her thing. Every time I fill out those forms, I think of her and wish she were here. There are times I'm in a pickle and know she would have some words of wisdom to help me. I definitely miss her then.

The fifteen years have flown by and yet, it seems like forever ago I boarded those planes, glad in a small way that I was not famous and having to be pleasant to people all the while my mother was dying. Jackie O died about a month later and I felt for John John and Caroline---having to face the public when all you want is your Mommy back and healthy, is tough.

The one thing I remember clearly from that time was from a little more than week after Mom died. All the flags around the state were flown at half staff. I looked at them and in my little world of mourning, I thought aloud "Oh, how nice of them to lower the flags for Mom!". It turns out that Richard Nixon died and the lowered flags were for him. In my defense, Mom had done a number of things for the State of California, so it was not out of the realm of possibility. Darn that Tricky Dick!

I wish Mom had been here to share the things I have experienced over the last fifteen years. I have kept her memory close to me in an effort to keep her a little bit alive, even today. Every so often I hear words coming out of my mouth, or in a fashion she used to say them. It does not shock me as much as it once did--these days I smile instead of cry at those moments, but sometimes they are bittersweet moments. I still try to tell her stories, including "the side view of a tulip" and "awwwwwful".

I miss ya Mom.

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Top 10 ways to deal with Chemo Brain

2009-04-04T14:18:00.000-07:00

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Every so often, I come across, or someone sends me something that makes me really laugh. If you've never been through chemo, this may not be so funny but, for those of us who have, it hits home and dang it, gives us something to laugh at during some difficult times.

A 25 year old Hodgkin's survivor provided the raw funny-power for this top 10, from planetcancer.org :

10. Swear to everyone that you were a "blonde" before you lost your hair.

9. Tell people that your brain, "temporarily shuts down during chemo to prevent excessive loss of brain cells".

8. Spend the next 20 minutes trying to actually remember and articulate #9.

7. When your brain gives out and you stumble over a sentence, look the person directly in the eye and say, "Did you catch all that?"

6. Wait, what was I talking about?

10. Look at your oncologist and say, "Whoa! You're treating me for WHAT?!?"

9. Proudly announce that, "At least it doesn't affect my ability to drive!"

8. (For the Girls) Tell everyone it gives you a chance to live in a man's shoes for a change (For the Guys) Hey, now you have a legitimate excuse to forget birthdays and anniversaries.

7. Wait, what was I talking about?

10 When all else fails, just pretend you're having flashbacks from 'Nam... even if you weren't born until 1982.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Memories

2009-04-02T08:54:00.000-07:00

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I had the TV on in the background while I was cooking.

I heard the rattle about ER coming to an end.

I knew it had been running a long time, I just didn't think HOW long.

Then someone ran the promo from the Today Show, with Bryant Gumbel speaking.

The date, April 2, 1994.

I know where I was that date.

I was running an organization that had seen the Executive Director quit due to Board stupidity. So obviously, as a young 20-something Office Manager, I was a prime candidate to run the organization. That *is* pretty much what the board ended up having me do.

I was working my buns off, trying to correct things the board did that would eventually drive the organization into the ground. In an effort to cover their tracks the board interviewed and hired a new organizational manager, as if rearranging deck chairs on the Titanic problem, would make anything any better.

In less than 10 days, I would be laying out a "do or die" for the board, training that new organization manager and I would receive a phone call early one Monday morning from my uncle. Get back ASAP.

I had a conference call scheduled with the president of the organization to lay out this weeks do or die info. At the end of the long phone call, I explained I was going to need to take a little time off. The president was upset with me that "in this time of crisis" I would ask to take time off. I explained that I had received a call that my mother was dying and I needed to go see her.

The president lambasted me for not telling him first off in the phone call about my mother's impending death. I explained there were several mitigating factors. One was that the organization had a CHANCE to stay alive if we worked proactively to save it. Second, my mother was not going to get better, she had had cancer for some time and it had spread and she was in hospital, coding. Third, I had a job to do and if I set it up correctly, I could go see my mother in her last days and still try to save the organization. The president was amazed at 25, that I could think this clearly when my mother was dying. I never considered anything else.

What he never knew is that I'd sort of prepared for that day, most of my life.

My mother was a smoker. I knew what was going to eventually happen, the only question was how bad and when.

Ironically, 10 days before I ordered my mother's life support machines turned off, ER was being touted as this new, up and coming TV show. A show that gave insight into the medical community, something my mother knew only too well about. Something I have learned more than I ever wished to learn about, in these intervening 15 years. I watched ER for a long time. I haven't in a while. Too much angst, anger and weirdness. I think also, some of it *is* in the back of my mind, a memory of my mother's last days.

I remember that hospital room at UCLA only too well.

As if it were just last week.

A lot has happened in 15 years.

Amazing...

how far I have come,
where ER went and
how the world has changed since Mom died.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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A Few Things

2009-03-25T16:21:00.000-07:00

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Last week was a bit tough and I just could not find words to convey what was going on. Five, count 'em, five people died. Two elderly men who, while expected, still are a huge loss to this world; a middle-aged man who should have been fine, but died unexpectedly; a young man ramping up to his prime taken by cancer and a teenager who decided that being 15 was too much to continue. I just don't have adequate words to explain the things running through my head.

Someone sent me a list of questions. I think it is running around FaceBook right now, but I just don't post that sort of thing there. C'mon, some of them are just *asking* for ID theft by things like---your name, your kids name, d-o-b and location of birth, what hospital, weight, height etc...argh. So, on a more positive note, here's a little meme.

What/when was your 'zen' moment when you looked around and realized "this is my life, who I am" and were ok with it?

Honestly, I don't know if I'm there yet. Getting there... but not all the way there. I've never been all that comfortable in my own skin which often comes across as surprising to a lot of people who know me.

Name six things you dream of doing before you die.
1. Write and publish books
2. Own a home
3. Become a paid syndicated columnist
4. Own and play my own saxophone
5. Go to Israel
6. Really understand WiFi...I worked on FOX networks, but that's seriously different.

What is your favorite guilty pleasure?

gardening

If guilt, knowledge, repercussion or fear of fall-out was not possible, what are the 3 things you would like to do/try?

1. A woman of choice other than my wife not on the "pass" list.
2. LSD or X
3. No-limit tables at the Bellagio in Vegas

Out of the following three famous people who would you Marry, Murder, Make love to?

I am married, have not murdered (didn't say kill) and in the last 20 years only made love *with* my wife (making love *TO* someone sounds so impersonal).

Vin Diesel - Murder, not a fan
Simon Cowell - Marry, for the money and nothing else---really a tie as to which to murder
Shemar Moore--Make love---wow

If you found out that there were some mix-ups at the hospital and your children weren't really YOURS, would you trade in the ones you have for the ones you incubated? (I know, it's a sick game. But I play this with my husband all the time! And you CANNOT say you'd "keep them all." That's not an option.) Keep or trade, period.

First, I'd ask how they confused any children with mine...uhm...how to make something out of nothing. But assuming we had kids..dunno, depends on how old. Recent birth, probably switch. Long enough they know how they've been brought up with, probably keep.

Would you rather be the person who invented the atomic bomb or the guy flying the plane who dropped it on Hiroshima...and why?

The person who invented the bomb. It is one thing to invent it, another to use it. Am sure we can debate the creation leads to the using of it, but I'd still rather have created it concept and not put it into play.

What is a song for which you thought you knew the words and later found out that you had them wrong?

What, I'm not perfect?!?! Certainly choir last night proved that!

If something were to happen to you tomorrow, what would people remember you for? Would you be happy with that legacy?

Humor, compassion, intelligence. Not a bad thing.

If you could give Jennifer Aniston any men advice what would it be? What would you tell her to do about John Mayer?

Kick John to the curb---that neon green thong thing...feh. Men advice...has she tried women? Just sayin'.

Build your own hamburger, cheeseburger or garden burger. What's on it?

In n Out is hard to beat, but...that's a personal thing. Build my own---hamburger, crisp, crunchy lettuce, tomats, relish, ketchup (altho, ketchup is losing favor after the chemo, leaning more towards mustard), a little mayo and very lightly toasted buns, the meat flavored with something decent.

What would your PostSecret say?
You broke my heart

What would be worse, giving up Starbucks for life, or never being able to say the word 'fuck' or any variation of it? And are you even capable of the latter, lol? :)

I can take of leave coffee, never been one of my things. Ever since I was like 5, carrying my mom's cold coffee cup to the dishwasher thinking "hmnn, that smells good" and tasting it, realizing that mom drank it black. OMG, it was awful! I can give up the F word, but thanks to my parents, it is one of the more favorite "bad words".

Have you and your spouse ever seriously considered getting divorced?

Only once a month...

What do you want your headstone to say when you die? Will it include the word fuck?

As with the tradition of my ancestors, I believe it will say simply my date of birth, date of death and my name...anything else is gravy.

Don't think it'll include fuck, but one friend asked a while back what our favorite swear words are. My answer on a bad day:

GawdDamnPhukingSonOfAPhukingBiotchOnAGawddamPhukingLifeRaft...but only on a bad day

If you could slap the shit out of one person — with no repercussions — who would it be?

A few select folks who irritate me. And no, I'm not sharing those names here.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me

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Shiva

2009-03-22T17:39:00.000-07:00

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For those of you who know what shiva is, and subset of those reading this blog who want to attend shiva for Melvin this week, please drop me a note and I'll provide details.

May his memory be a blessing.

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Melvin

2009-03-16T20:20:00.000-07:00

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I never met Melvin, but I know his children.

His children are wonderful and at the moment, they are all hurting deeply.

Melvin took leave tonight after a struggle with health issues for many years. His children and family at his bedside when he left. This circling of the wagons over the past few days, weeks, months and over the years, shows what he taught his children---to be mensches, to take care of family and friends and to live life to the end.

I am sure he would be proud of all of his children right now.

May their hearts heal in time.

May Melvin's memory be a blessing.

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True Fortune

2009-03-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

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We went to chinese tonight with kids. We enjoyed a little bit of food and then ended up with the usual fortune cookies at the end. We had to agree what the end tag line would be---the one you add on the end of the fortune to make the reading interesting. All 4 of us decided "in bed".

Three of us had rather innocuous fortunes.

Then there was mine:

...in bed

I guess we know why J is still with me all these years later. ;-)

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Linda Ramirez

2009-03-09T15:32:00.000-07:00

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I came across her blog because we shared an awful lot of things. The biggest being melanoma and location in this great state.

Almost two years ago when she was Dx, I was in between chemo treatments. Her blog showed her travels through this thing we call melanoma. I traveled with her, without having met her, that I know of. We were at the same hospital, perhaps passing in the hall, or sharing a chemo room. For some reason, I never made an attempt to hook up with her, rather reading her blog quietly.

Up until about two weeks ago, she was still posting. She knew what was coming, but she was more concerned about missing out on a Celine Dion concert than worrying about her impending death. Maybe it was what was behind the blog that she didn't post, but most of us noted she was more concerned about others than herself, even to the end.

I checked her blog, noting that her husband had been posting in the last week plus, that things had taken a turn. I knew a post would be coming, telling me she was gone. This afternoon, that post popped up on my screen and I wept. She's gone.

It is not easy when death takes someone. Tougher still when several melanoma patients I've known or known of, die in short fashion. Tougher still when it turns out Linda and I were in a similar program for the same reason. This one hits a little too close to home for me.

A part of me is wondering why I'm still alive when seemingly every other melanoma patient around is not surviving. I know the odds. I know that I am extremely lucky. I am rather angry with G-d right now, not because of my health, but for the loss of so many I know. I know there is a purpose, but am missing Linda's smiling face and her blog posts.

May her memory be a blessing.

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Lovely Lady

2009-03-03T21:31:00.000-08:00

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More than a year ago I found her website through some other website, through probably another website. I saw the name and it intrigued me.

clusterfook.com.

I LOL'd and clicked on the link, expecting to find something to keep me laughing.

What spread open in front of me was a story, of a lovely lady.

A lovely lady with ovarian cancer.

Who passed away this last Saturday.

Which was 11 years,

To the day---
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To the day...

Since another lovely lady,

who was a friend of mine,

ALSO died of ovarian cancer.

The connection is amazing.

My heart aches.

May their memories be a blessing.

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Of Marriage and Such Things

2009-03-02T22:20:00.000-08:00

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I am still catching up after playing nursemaid to my wife for the last few weeks. She is improving, slowly.

But I have something that is important to both of us. All of us, really.

On the intake form at the hospital I entered "Wife", proudly for the first time I could, legally. Previously, it was Domestic Partner or Life Partner.

But when it came to the electronic paperwork, the gal doing the intake said she didn't have "Wife" as a designation and tried to get me to accept Life Partner. I started to ask what they use for straight couples and she finally found Spouse on her list after I explained we were legally wed in the state.

I had a backup plan. I still have a copy of our Domestic Partnership paperwork in my wallet. I also had a copy of our wedding license out in the car. Just in case I needed them, I had them. It would not have been the first time we had had an issue having spousal access in medical treatment, yes, here in California, this is still an issue. Were it not, I would not have even considered bringing two forms of proof that we are spouses.

Thankfully, the hospital came through and did not push things to that extreme. Nor did they have any issue with me being with J during her treatment, authorizing her treatment or directing information to ME for her aftercare. But at the outset, it was not apparent things would end easily.

But the issue I bring before you is of our marriage, and the other 18,000+ that were performed last year here in California. The potential is divorce. Not by our choice. J and I are nearing 18 years together and though there are days I hit my limit with her, we still intend to stay married, if the court will allow it.

Please go watch this video.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=b-awVQkTeVE

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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Update

2009-02-23T20:24:00.001-08:00

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For those of you wondering where I've been...been a loooong week of the wife being quite ill.

We're home from the hospital. She is better, but suffered a lot from the "practice" of medicine.

I am sure at least one of our weddings included "...in sickness and in health...". I know I agreed. I still would. But like Mother Teresa, I wish G-d didn't trust me quite so much.

I'm off to find some whiskey, several tall fingers of it to consume as quickly as possible.

I have melanoma, it does not have me.

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Streaks

2009-02-19T22:45:00.000-08:00

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Running with the happy streak here:

1. What is your favorite day of the week? Why?

Friday---Shabbat is easily in sight, a time to relax and wind down from the week.

2. On what day of the week were you born?

Weds, rather early.

3. On average, how many days a year you spend away from home?

ROTFLMAO...seriously, you're killin me

4. Are you the kind of person who always knows what day it is or do you constantly find yourself asking someone else?

Unless I am sick, or somehow my week has gotten altered, I know what day it is and the date.

5. What is your blood type?

O-

6. Do you give blood? Why/why not?

Not anymore. Why not? Have you READ this blog?

7. Are you listed as an organ donor? Why/why not?

I am, though at the moment, they would most likely not take them.

8. Would you donate an organ or other part of your body (ex: bone marrow) while still alive?

yes, if possible, similar caveats though.

9. Would you consider leaving your body to medical science?

If it could help, yes. Though I suspect if they took my entire body, they might learn a little something about how every person is not alike. It would be nice, to figure out the answers to a few things that have troubled me over the years, but after my life is ended, what do I care. It is up to those I leave behind. Jewish law suggests we need to buried so when the Messiah comes, we'll be intact and ready to go. My opinion is that if the Messiah comes, he/she/it will be able to re-enliven those who have been dead 2000 years, 100 years or from last week. I am not worried, because IF however I am sent to someplace I cannot be revived by the Messiah, I probably won't know, so what I am worried about?

10. What are your favorite ethnic/regional cuisines (Italian, Mexican, Thai, etc.)?

Japanese, Italian, Mexican, Chinese, Vietnamese.

11. When you visit a restaurant serving that kind of food, what do you generally order?

Japanese--sushi, if our regular place, the sushi/sashimi plate and a Pink Lady

Italian---hello, carbs galore...yuuum. A local place makes a spinach and veal ravioli...yuuum

Mexican--true Mexican---a nice small tostada, lots of fresh lettuce, a few beans, shredded chicken.

Chinese--broccoli with garlic sauce, with either beef or chicken, tho someone turned us on to chow fun

Vietnamese--a rice bowl, spring rolls

12. Which ethnic food or dish is your favorite to make yourself?

Why make it if you have a really good restaurant nearby?

Actually, I love to cook, given a good kitchen, tools and ingredients.

13. If you could travel to one country or region, just to experience the food, where would you go?

Israel

14. Where would you not want to go because of the food?

India, Iceland, Mexico (I've been there, eaten the food and seen the food again too soon)

15. What's the strangest thing you've ridden in or on?

a man

only to outdone by riding a woman---I told you, the gal I dated before J was...well, a LITTLE rough.

16. What's the strangest thing in your home?

some of our books

17. What's the strangest nickname anyone has ever given you? What's the explanation behind it?

Truck---a newspaper writer for a MAJOR newspaper took scores over the phone. The gal at the other end heard my name as "Truck", ergo, it got published as such. I WAS playing catcher and I have been given the nickname Mack Truck...it all fit...but, they had to print retraction/correction the next day.

18. Where's the strangest place you've ever slept?

Couple of ties here:

1-on a bed with a cement box spring in Cuernevaca, Mexico, with a scorpion over my head. I did NOT get a lot of sleep that night.
2-in my car
3-under a drop box in the pizza joint I was working in, on top of a plethora of the delivery bags. Why? I closed on Saturday evening at 2am. Usually, that meant I was not out of there until about 5-5:30am. We had an 8 or 8:30am all hands meeting. It was 20+ minute drive home and 20 minutes back. Decided to sleep instead of drive home. I put a note over me saying "wake me when the meeting starts".
4-in a castle in Abergavenny, Wales with a man I almost married a few years later.

19. Do you remember anything from 1982?

Yes. I met a friend who changed my life.

20. Who's your strangest family member?

Gee, another difficult one to pick out. We're ALL a little touched.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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These Are A Few

2009-02-19T07:18:00.001-08:00

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Today seems to be a happy, sunny day. So I'm going to post happier things.

1. Is there someone you'd like to be kissing right now?

my wife

2. When you're being extremely quiet, what does it mean?

either there is too much input from the outside world and I'm stunned silent or I'm really hurt or confused.

3. What are you listening to right now?

a dog snoring

4. Are you a big fan of thunderstorms?

hell no

5. Do you believe in perfect?

not in humans, but there are perfect sunsets etc.

6. Are you a jealous person?

I can be, but as I get older, I realize that often it is just not worth getting that worked up over and with most things, the thing you are jealous of, has a serious downside you aren't considering.

7. What was the first thing you thought this morning?

G-d, let me sleep some more, please, please, please and I need a haircut, but it ain't happening this week!

8. What do you think about when you are falling asleep?

my wife, what happened during the day, what I'm going to do the next day, a conversation I'd like to have had, how to resolve something---I'm a fixer.

9. Are you satisfied with what you have in life?

I'd like a home, beyond that little detail, pretty much.

10. Do people ever think that you're either older or younger than you actually are?

yes. We've had the full circle. Some folks at temple thought we were a decade younger than we are. Other folks think we're a decade or more older.

11. Do you think men truly understand women?

Good G-d no!

12. How about women understanding men?

I think many women understand men better than men understand themselves. However, sometimes, women are just as clueless.

13. Did anybody ever call you handsome or beautiful?

Yes

14. What is one fact about the last person that called you?

She's my wife

15. Other than your current one, what's the longest relationship you have had?

5 years

16. You have just been hired to clean your own home, what is your first complaint?

Home, what home? Where'd THIS come from? Not that I'm complaining...but wtf?

17. If you had to name a smell that always makes you nostalgic, what would it be? What sorts of memories does the smell evoke?

-Old coffee from a coffeemaker and air conditioning---that old freon smell. Reminds me of a person I used to know and miss.

-freshly cut grass---reminds me of my days on the field

-gas engines that are badly tuned---reminds me of mornings at school---the grounds crew often used blowers to move leaves and such, it takes me right back.

-youth dew, by Estee Lauder---reminds me of a 2nd grade teacher and another friend who is no longer with us---I still smell it now and again and remember them fondly

18. What is your favorite time of year?

Spring.

19. What is it about your favorite season that, well, make it your favorite season?

Everything seems to be budding, everything seems to be new. The crisp, clean, fresh smells. The promise that this year will be fantastic.

20. What is your least favorite time of year?

Probably a tie between the long, hot days of summer, on and on---and the windy, raining sideways, cccccoldest days of winter.

21. Do you do anything to celebrate or recognize the changing of the seasons?

Other than the traditional Jewish notices of the seasons changing? Some---cleaning things out, putting up clothes no longer in season, and getting out in the outdoors to
enjoy the turning of the season.

22. What are your favorite things to do outside?

hiking; exploring some place I've never seen, or haven't been to in a long time; reading a book; sipping a long, tall drink of something cool; walking a dog; watching kids play games; hold
hands with my wife; kiss my wife, assuming it is safe to do; watch a sunset or sunrise; body surf; play softball; take photographs.

23. What are your favorite things to do inside?

I could list a host of things, but only a few will my wife allow me to share here.
Let's see, computer, TV, board games...;-)

24. If you won the Lotto this week, what would you plan first?

First, how to carefully financially plan to manage the money so it does not end up in a ponzi scheme fund. Second, how to help out those who need help. Third, how to help in the community. Fourth, what house we're going to buy. Fifth, how to wean clients off of us, if we've won enough to stop working.

25. Would you go back and change anything in your past?

Certain things, I would like to change, sure. Though we always know if we change one thing, something else changes along the way.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

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It Seems So Wrong...

2009-02-18T12:10:00.000-08:00

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As I was checking messages this morning in between working out and getting to the shower, I noticed the following emails in my Inbox:

Grilled Turkey and Ham Sandwiches
23 ways to love bacon
Bacon wrapped filet mignon with porchini mushrooms
Gumbo/Jambalaya recipes

These are all from various lists I have subscribed to, including a quick cook for dinner menu suggestion as well as a genealogy list that people seem to write more about everyday life and food than their ancestry searches.

I laughed because all of the suggestions included treif, or non-kosher, suggestions. All this while I was standing in the locker room at the JCC.

Even funnier because I had skipped over a Depeche Mode song while on the treadmill this morning "Personal Jesus".

Somehow, ALL of them just seemed wrong to be reading or listening to at the J!

See Alanis, all around you (kudos to Sabrina Matthews).

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Melanoma Blogs

2009-02-16T22:00:00.000-08:00

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I've got to stop reading melanoma blogs.

They take their toll on me.

The ratio of good melanoma blogs and melanoma blogs with less than stellar outcomes is something akin to 1-100, assuming I even have the odds figured out correctly. I suck at odds and most numbers---which is why the wife is the accountant, not me.

Another one of my melanoma blog friends passed away recently. She was almost a decade younger than I and looked little like me, but we shared melanoma. I thought she was going to come out ahead. She did, up until a short time ago.

Tonight I also learned that another melanoma blogger is struggling, with liver and brain mets. Those two signs do not signify good things in any cancer patient, especially not a melanoma patient. Even closer to home is that she is at the same hospital I get my treatment. A little too close to home for me.

I shed some tears reading this news. Part of it is the loss. Part of it is survivors guilt. Part of it is worry that at some point, I will join the stats. Despite the positive returns I have collected--- there is always that outside fear that it will come back. The odds are not in my favor. That is scary. Then again, the odds that I would still be alive were against me too, from the beginning. I am stronger for living through this, but I am not so blind as to ignore the facts. Which is why I keep going back to the doc, getting checks, trying new things. I have hope that I will continue to be one of the "1" out of 100, I certainly am not giving up just because another two are or have headed over to the side of the 100's. Like I said, I've got to stop reading, but, somewhat like watching a crash you know will happen but just cannot turn away, I keep hoping to find another blogger who is living and surviving melanoma. I keep looking. And looking.

I have melanoma, it does not have me.

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Have You Ever...

2009-02-11T23:59:00.000-08:00

Bold are the ones I've done...

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone
08. Said 'I love you' and meant it
09. Hugged a tree

10. Done a striptease
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars
21. Changed a baby's diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you're not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government's official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer then you were actually in love
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger's table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight (or more)
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your records
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to "Let's Get It On" by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don't regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who's not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog.
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Sword fought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party
93. Loved someone you shouldn't have
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an "expert"
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don't remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark..
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror..
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children.
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy.
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. ...more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn't stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn't have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a flashback
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone's heart
146. Helped an animal give birth
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100 mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced (ok, not on purpose, my hand and the nail incident)
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone's mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes.
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one "important" author who you missed in school, and read,
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. ...and gotten 86'ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions (not on purpose)
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you're living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn't know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game.
200: Been arrested.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!

40 Things

2009-02-11T13:41:00.000-08:00

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Another one of those tags...think it is going around FB as well. Since the weather is frightful, something to entertain y'all.

40 Things About You:

1. Where is your cell phone? In my pocket
2. Your significant other? at work
3. Your Hair? Red
4. Your Skin? Fair
5. Your mother? Dead
6. Your father? Don't know
6. Your favorite thing? puppies
7. Your dream last night? My wife doing something rather nice to me
8. Your favorite drink? Water/Whiskey
9. Your dream/goal? A home
10. The room you're in? TV
11. Your ex? nutz
12. Your fear? loss
13. Where do you want to be in 6 years? in a home, snuggling my wife
14. Where were you last night? in bed with my wife
15. What you're not? Femme
16. Muffins? Blueberry
17. One of your wish list items? Books
18. Where you grew up? burbs
19. The last thing you did? work
20. What are you wearing? stewart tartan style shirt, sweater vest, jeans, teva shoes
21. What's on your TV? dust
22. Your pets? furry
23. Your computer? dell
24. Your life? other than a lack of housing, good
25. Your mood? Tired
26. Missing someone? usually
27. Your car? Honda
28. Something you're not wearing? eyeglasses...can't find either pair at the moment.
29. Favorite Store? Home Depot
30. Your summer? hot
31. Favorite food: carbs
32. Your favorite color? purple
33. When is the last time you laughed? this morning, talking with a friend
34. Last time you cried? last week
35. Favorite weather: spring
36. The Last Thing You Ate: fruit strip...no, really
37. What are you thinking about right now? Sleep
38. Your relationship status: married
39. What is the weather like? cccccooold
40. What you are doing right now? uhm, pooter!

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me.

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Oh My

2009-02-10T14:08:00.001-08:00

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Been tagged again with the TMI Tuesday #173. The questions are less offensive (and less revealing) to my sensitive readers eyes than some of their questions...so am posting this one.

1. What do you think is the un-sexiest part of the body?

sinuses oozing green or yellow stuff

2. Toilet paper: over, under, or what the hell are you talking about?

OVER...you are presenting the paper, assuming it has a print, also so the person sitting can see it. Otherwise, they are fumbling under the roller to find the edge, which can be problematic. No need to irritate someone sitting on the pot! I think Miss Manners covered this some years ago.

3. Have you ever called in sick to stay in bed with a sexual partner?

G-d yes! ;-) Called in with a "vision" problem, just could not see getting out of bed!

4. Did your parents have a "birds & bees" talk with you? If so, at what age?

My mother did, my father was opposed. My mother did her best to explain it to me at 10, but paused a lot. I'm not one for long silences in conversations, so I filled in the blanks "for" her. I think I thought it was a test at the time. Looking back on it now, I think she was just nervous and so she paused to find the right words. I think she was quite thankful I helped her out. They had, in fact, given me the book "Where Did I Come From" by Peter Mayle, so I had a pretty good idea, along with having perused Playboy's with the guys in the neighborhood, so we were "experts".

5. What is something someone could do to you to rock your world?

Listen. Love. Touch me gently. Cuddle.

I have melanoma, it does NOT have me!
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